Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Saturday, 30 May 2009

image for Susan Boyle To Marry Jamie Pugh and Adopt Hollie Steel and Shaheen Jafargholi
The house in Upper Tooting where Mr. and Mrs. Jamie Pugh and their two kids will live.

LONDON - Susan Boyle on the advice of her family physician Dr. Knowlton Buckminster has decided to slow down and smell the coffee.

Boyle who has literally been on a virtual whirlwind spin since her first appearance on Britain's Got Talent has agreed to take it easy, at least for a little while.

Simon Cowell who has become Susan's manager was really concerned with her recent outburst against a fan, a hotel security guard, and members of the London Police Department.

Miss Boyle lost her temper and proceeded to spew forth several vulgar curse words including the very popular, world wide F word.

When Cowell went downtown to bail her out he reportedly gave her quite an extensive piece of his mind. He asked her if it was in fact true that she actually used the F word.

Boyle shook her head indicating that she had. Cowell was livid asking her if she ate with that mouth. Boyle replied of course she did.

Both quickly got into Cowell's one million dollar Bugatti Veyron and drove to Boyle's house. They went in for a spot of tea and a stain of crumpets.

When they emerged two hours later Simon addressed the assembled media multitude and he presented Susan Boyle.

She stood in front of what appeared to be about 80 microphones from the BBC, NBC, CNN, ESPN, PMS, ABC, and IUD.

She told them that she was very sorry for acting like a spoiled little stupid schoolgirl. She said she was embarrassed for acting like some crazed diva. She admitted that she got toally out of control and carried away with the prima donna thing.

She said when she went home she looked in the mirror and she saw a person who looked like a cross between Amy Winehouse and Ann Coulter, except of course about 90 pounds heavier.

She did not like what she saw...heck who would? Amy Winehouse and Ann Coulter, goodness that's the female equivalent of Donnie Rumsfeld and Dicky Cheney.

Boyle then told the media that she was going to be announcing some amazing news. All of a sudden about 100 sets of ears perked up.

Susan turned to Simon and he told her to go ahead that she was doing fine.

Boyle said that because of all of the adverse publicity, Mr. Cowell and Mr. (Piers) Morgan had decided that the Cowell-Morgan production company known as The Two Genius Gents Production Company would be immediately signing the top four Britain's Got Talent performers to long term contracts.

Susan said that her and Jamie Pugh along with Hollie Steel and Shaheen Jafargholi would all become part of a quartet to be co-managed by Cowell and Morgan.

She revealed that Cowell had chosen the name "The Face Cards." She explained that Jamie Pugh would be the king. She would be the queen. Shaheen Jafargholi would be the prince and little Hollie Steel would be the princess.

Susan then added that she had another surprise and this one would even surprise Simon. She said that last night while her and Mr. Pugh were at her house playing poker (the card game) ;-) that he all of a sudden stood up, walked over to where she was sitting, kneeled down in front of her, and asked her for her hand in marriage.

One of the reporters asked, "And what did you say mum?

Susan replied, "Hey bloke, I'm 48-years-old, I've never been kissed, Mr. Pugh has all of his original teeth, what the dickens do you think I said...of course I said yes."

Susan then said that her and Mr. Pugh had also talked about the possibility of adopting both Hollie and Shaheen. They both felt that it would make everything so much easier if all four were always together.

SIDENOTE: Cowell and Morgan have said that they can already guarantee that "The Face Cards" will be booked in over 1,000 cities all over the world.

They added that both really and truly feel that "The Face Cards" could possibly be the most famous quartet since a little British band called The Beatles.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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