Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Dick Cheney, torture

Thursday, 14 May 2009

image for Dick Cheney files Friend of the Court Brief in ACLU case to release new torture photos, carrying on a family tradition
"So what did you think of the Christmas card?"

Washington, D.C. - In a surprising mix of the strangest bedfellows yet, lawyers for Dick Cheney filed a friend of the court brief in the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)'s case today to get the new torture photos of detainees in Iraq and Afghanistan released.

"There is only a couple of hundred days until December 25th," said a lawyer for Cheney before the court. "And my client wants all the time he can get to sort through the torture photos for this year's best Christmas card."

Lawyers for Cheney then went on to argue before the court that their client is unable to use any of the already released torture photos because they have all been compromised by the public eye.

"Since it was my client idea to torture," argued the attorney. "Any photographs taken are by extension his intellectual property."

Cheney's lawyers went on to persuade the court to release the torture photos with an emotional appeal as well.

"My client has a long standing family tradition with his daughter Liz of choosing the best photo for the family's Christmas card," said the attorney.

Every year in late November after Thanksgiving together the both of them spend hours before a roaring fire going over photos taken over the year of road kill, hunting accidents and neighbors who disappeared under mysterious circumstances, trying to choose the one that will make the best Cheney family Charismas card.

"My client merely asks the court that he be afforded the opportunity to continue with that rich family tradition this year as in years past," said Cheney's lawyer. "My client begs the court to allow him to snuggle up with his daughter, as they spread out on the living room floor before them photographs of black hooded victims, handcuffed together and hung from ceiling hooks, the glossy surfaces of the images catching rays of light from the flickering flames of the fireplace, glistening in the dark, while Christmas carols play in the background."

The judge said he would take the case under consideration, rendering his decision at a later date but did ask in the meanwhile to have his name removed from the Cheney family Christmas card list in the interest of justice, avoiding the appearance of favoritism and especially emotional trauma.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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