Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 13 May 2009

image for Manny Ramirez Finally Addresses His Dodger Teammates
Manny Ramirez shown at his last at bat before receiving the 50-game suspension.

LOS ANGELES - Manny Ramirez, Los Angeles Dodgers superstar and hairstyle icon, has finally addressed his fellow Dodger players after receiving a 50 game suspension for testing positive for a performance enhancing substance.

The PES is believed to be the progesterone-like steroid Vagilookanookibolic, which is manufactured in Peru.

The drug which is known as "Yummy Yum Yum" is actually considered to be the strongest female fertility drug in the entire world.

It was originally used in Maine where it was force fed to an adult female lobster who instantly became pregnant and three days later gave birth to a litter of 127 baby lobsters, 5 electric eels, 3 sardines, an octupus, and a fish stick.

Manny started off by apologizing to the entire Dodgers organization from the owners to the shareholders, and from the mascot 'Dora the Dodger' to the hot dog vendors.

Pitcher Ramon Troncoso asked, "Hey how about us, the players?"

"No I don't apologize to the players."

"Why not?"

"Because you make lots of money?"

"So?"

"So what?"

"So how about I get some scissors and cut off your silly looking dreadlocks?"

"And how about I drive to your grandmother's house and run over her walker with my Rolls Royce?"

Just then Dodgers manager Joe Torre chimed in for both players to shut the hell up.

Torre then turned to Manny and asked him if it was true that the steroid he took is a female fertility drug.

Manny started crying and said that men didn't understand him.

Infielder Casey Blake remarked that the reason that men didn't understand him was because of his damn accent. Blake said that Fernando Llamas was three times easier to understand that him.

Torre remarked, "Yeah and I can even understand Ricky Ricardo much better than I can understand you and Ricky was from China, I think."

By this time Manny had put his knitting needle and shawl down. He took a sip from his Shirley Temple on the Rocks and said that he was beginning to feel kind of dizzy.

Outfielder Juan Pierre hollered out if he could get him a bottle of water.

Manny replied, "No, please get me some ice cream a pickle if you don't mind dear."

Torre stood up, shook his head, and proclaimed that the meeting was over.

Ramirez asked if he could hang around for a little while and watch the Lifetime (Women's) Channel.

Torre shook his head and muttered underneath his breath "Whatever."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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