Written by J.K. Baltzersen
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Tuesday, 5 May 2009

image for White House Releases Requirements for High Court
No real check can be accepted from the Supreme Court, only an illusion.

Washington, D.C. With Supreme Court Justice Souter's upcoming retirement, a High Court vacancy arises, and President Barack Obama faces the task of nominating a successor.

In keeping with the President's promise of change and allowing citizens more influence, the White House will accept suggestions for nominations to the highest bench in the land.

However, it is important that the executive office stays in control. So the White House has released a list of requirements a Supreme Court nominee should comply with. It is important that citizens know these requirement. The executive office does not want citizens wasting their time sending in names that do not qualify.

The guidelines are:

  • The candidate should not believe in the federal Constitution as a limit on the power of the federal government.
  • The candidate should believe in creating an illusion of the High Court serving as a check on the federal government.
  • The candidate should believe that whatever comes from the executive mansion should be enforced.
  • The candidate should believe that the Congress can do what the Congress does because it is Congress.
  • The candidate should believe that a law passed by Congress and signed by the President is consitutional by definition.
  • The candidate should believe that an executive order is consitutional by definition.
  • The candidate should be a woman.


An executive mansion senior official explicitly states that Judge Andrew P. Napolitano of Fox News Channel is expressly excluded from being proposed by the citizenry - and, of course, from being nominated by the President. The same goes for anyone who even remotely has expressed any sort of agreement on any issue whatsoever with said Judge Napolitano.

Anyone suggesting said expressly excluded candidates will face fierce punishment under the Patriot Act. A single such suggestion will result in the plans for closing down Guantanamo Bay detention camp being cancelled.

An anonymous source says Judge Napolitano is challenging these requirements in court. The White House is certain it will see to that the bench hearing that case will be filled with the right judges.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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