After slapping himself again during a broadcast to demonstrate the banality of CIA torture techniques, radio personality Rush Limbaugh surprised his audience by confessing on air that he is, in fact, a fat, lying buffoon who got beaten up a lot as a kid.
Limbaugh seemed shocked by his own admission, but, after several more self-inflicted slaps, owned up to his drug problem and to having a secret crush on Michelle Obama.
A tearful Limbaugh asked for forgiveness. "I've made a career out of stoking the fires of hate and bigotry. I was wrong. So very wrong. And I have a secret offshore tax shelter, and a mistress, and I shot Kennedy, and 9/11 was an inside job. I planned it myself. Just don't hit me again. I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
As the telephone lines in the studio began lighting up like a theater marquee, the program's producer finally pulled the plug on the right-wing pundit in mid-sob.