Written by Aspartame Boy
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Topics: Kids, Aspartame, Sewage

Sunday, 5 April 2009

image for NY cops find children of the sewer
"My dad had half his butt chewed off already!" - "I know, what are you gonna do.. They're just kids."

NEW YORK, N.Y. - Detective Urdtien Atereien reports that NY cops arrested a crap load of more than 100 sewer children today. The kids are from 13 to 20 years old.

They turned up when cops investigated reports of children biting the butts of people using the rest room in Grand Central Station

The cops say the sewer kids only speak Italian. It is not known how the kids got into the NY sewer, but reports of a similar incident in Italy have lead to massive excavations. The Port Authority is looking for a tunnel that may lead from NY to Italy.

The children were managing to survive on free packets of aspartame and parts of the butts they were able to gnaw off of the less spry (elderly) people who used the facilities. They then disappeared back into the toilet and sewer pipes.

Due to the confined spaces, and mutagenic properties of aspartame, the children had developed narrow torsos, and looked a lot like large snakes.

One of them said to the press,

E 'l'odore così buono qui!
Tutto odora di merda!
Sapori come pancetta!
Amo l'aspartame su uno stronzo.

That boy was recruited by the Bilderberg Group for the White House intern program, to work in the White House kitchen, and cannot be reached for further comment.

The others all escaped from their jail cells - down the drain.

The elderly have been cautioned to spray mace into the bowl prior to squatting. Many of the elderly have refused and continue to be bitten, feeding the growing population of sewer children.

Dr. Strangedeath of the FDA commented that the children's strange behavior was not due to aspartame consumption. However, we are continuing to investigate this angle, considering the track record of the FDA.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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