Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 27 March 2009

image for Obama Afghan Strategy: Bin Laden Twitters AIG Advisors

(Washington, D.C.) The White House decided to make two negatives a positive, AIG and Afghanistan. In his Internet Town Hall Meeting, President Barack Obama revealed that those AIG executives who do not return their bailout bonuses would be drafted as part of the 4,000 advisors detached to Afghanistan in an effort to stabilize that country's government.

"We feel those executives who do not return their bonuses after failing in such a stellar manner exhibit a stubborn streak in the face of reality, and that's the type of resolve we need to turn the tide." The President then added, "And let's face it, if we lose a few along the way, the bonuses are not transferable. Win-win."

This most recent announcement adds to the additional 17,000 troops that will be deployed to the area. When asked by reporter/gadfly Ed Henry of CNN how the failed executives, having no diplomatic or military experience let alone any success at all, could help matters in the already fragile situation, the President was clear. "I want to be clear. Aid to Afghanistan will be tied to hitting specific benchmarks. If these folks don't perform, simple, no dough." A follow-up question by Henry, if the disgraced AIG executives don't perform and aid is cut-off wouldn't this further worsen matters in Afghanistan was met with the President's now icy stare. "If we had all the "t"s crossed and "i"s dotted what would we need the editor for, if you get my meaning, Ed?" "No," said Henry. "Exactly," replied President Obama.

The President quickly becoming known as the Internet President then revealed an additional key strategy of creating a Twitter account for Osama Bin Laden in order to "spread positive U.S. sentiment to the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan and gain valuable intelligence on the workings of Al-Qaeda. When folks ask me how we're going to turn these countries around? I tell them 140 characters at a time." The President was referring to the amount of characters allowed in a Twitter posting.

When Ed Henry asked how the President planned to do this since "approximately 75% of the country doesn't even have electricity and 98% don't have a computer", President Obama replied, "I didn't say this was going to be easy. But we are committed to making it work. And in future generations, when we enter in the Twitter field that asks, "What are you doing?" we can say we brought security to Afghanistan."

A follow-up request by Henry was not allowed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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