Written by matwil
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Wednesday, 18 March 2009

image for Irish Americans celebrate St. Gerry's Day
'Will St. Gerry's statue start weeping for the 3,000 dead in Northern Ireland?'

Millions of Irish Americans today celebrated St. Gerry's Day in their traditional manner. Men were seen drinking at least three little glasses of artificially gassy lager in Boston, Massachussetts, before breaking into many of their traditional Irish republican songs, such as 'The Coward's Song', and 'Who Beat The Nazis Anyway? Wasn't Us.'

Some have questioned the whole point of St. Gerry's Day, and have pointed out that there are not really any such people as 'Irish Americans', they're simply Americans with about as much connection with Ireland as Barack Obama, but are so desperate for an identity that they need to drink Guiness and drop coins in Real IRA collection tins once a year - coins that helped many innocent civilians get murdered in the city of Omagh, including one pregnant woman.

But at that millions of Americans pulled out their 'Blame Britain For Ireland's Problems' cards, to have a quick read of them: 'Ulster is not Northern Ireland; Northern Ireland is not British, it's Scottish; Scots came from Northern Ireland before moving back there, and have been back there longer than Americans have been in America;'

'The Real IRA are murderers, as are the Provisional IRA and Continuity IRA; Provisional Sinn Fein are ex-murderers that would be jailed for life if not given the death sentence in the USA, if they did what they have done in Ireland there; St. Patrick was Scottish, not Irish; no people in the Irish Republic want a united Ireland.'

Unfortunately the words on the cards got a bit muddled up in the translation from Gaelic to English, and by the time they had reached Boston they read: 'Up the IRA! Give Ireland back to the Irish! Lots of bullshitting blarney! Forget about that pregnant woman and those children dying in Omagh! Gerry is our saint! Oh Danny Boy, when the thingy thingies ... etc etc.'

St. Patrick must be turning in his grave.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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