The Bush administration held its Best Lies Awards Banquet, the Bamboozles, at the White House last night to celebrate nearly a full term's worth of what it has called the "best damn lies this country has ever seen."
Vice President Dick Cheney won two Bamboozle awards, or Bambis. His first, which came early in the evening, was for Most Profitable Lie for insisting that he played no part in giving billions of dollars in war contracts to his former company Halliburton. He also took the award for Most Audacious Lie for continuing to claim, long after everyone else had stopped, that Saddam Hussein had ties to al Qaeda.
"I don't need to thank anyone," said a smirking Dick Cheney, "on account of I'm the man."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld won for Best Lies About U.S. Torture for lying to the world, himself, Congress, and God all in one day. He also took home the ceremony's Palm D'Ore, Best Lie to Start a War.
"I'm just lucky to be the best secretary of defense in the history of the United States ... according to Dick Cheney," said Rumsfeld, getting the biggest laugh of the night.
Colin Powell, seen by many as an administration outsider, won the ceremony's raspberry, the Worst Liar Award.
"I suck," Powell admitted when he took the podium. "During my U.N. Iraq has WMDs' speech, Kofi Annan was looking at me like dude, no way.' The delegation from Belgium was totally cracking up."
Condoleeza Rice won an impressive seven awards for Best Post 9/11 Lie (that she had no idea planes could be used as weapons), Best Lie to Congress (planes/weapons), Most Shameless Lie (planes/weapons), Best Lie by a Woman of Color (planes/weapons), Most Embarrassing Lie (planes/weapons), Best Insult to America in the Form of a Lie (planes/weapons), and Most Sincere Liar (planes/weapons).
"I really did have no idea planes could be used as weapons," she said to gales of laughter and applause as she received her seventh award. "And if we had 9/11 and Iraq to do all over again, we'd do the exact same thing."
The guffawing audience gave her a standing ovation as she returned to her seat.
But when all was said and done, the night belonged to
President Bush, this year's "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King." Included in his unprecedented 28 awards were:
- Best Lie About Leaving No Child Behind
- Best Lie About Winning an Election
- Best Lie About Restoring Honor and Dignity to the White House
- Best Lie About Jesus Christ Wanting War
- Best Lie About the Patriot Act Hurting Terrorists more than Americans
- Best Lie About a Mission Being Accomplished