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Friday, 13 March 2009

image for 10 wiper fluid addicted children taken to hospital after drinking whiskey
Zyclon B container with child-safety cap

Ten wiper fluid addicted children in Arkansas were today taken to hospital, after mistakenly drinking whiskey.

'It was awful', Dr. Hick Lessbrain said, from the Hillary Clinton Detox and Facelift Hospital in Backwater, 'we have campaigned for years to educate parents how to supervise their children where alcohol is concerned. Alcohol can cause serious health problems for youngsters here, we urge parents to make sure their kids only drink wiper fluid, gasoline, glue or paint - or, if supervised, water and orange juice, but only in small doses.'

This is not the first time that children in Arkansas have poisoned themselves, as one child, Clintary Cilla Rodham, aged 7, mistakenly drank a pint of Old Hogwarts' Sour Mash last year, thinking it was a pint of evil-smelling bitumen with a skull and crossbones warning sign on it. And in January, Billie Manilli Klington, 4, was rushed to hospital, when he thought he was harmlessly helping himself to a huge dose of rat poison but accidentally swallowed a large glass of lemonade.

'Please, parents', Dr. Lessbrain said, 'edumacate your little ones into careful drinking. Bleach, brake fluid, nail varnish, liquid soap, these are all acceptable healthy options for growing youngsters. Just make sure any bottles with whiskey or rum are carefully labelled, so that there are no accidents.'

'I advise even buying a locked closet for drinks, and leaving your vermin control cans and Zyclon B bottles all in easy reach for the children. That way they won't be tempted by alcohol, and their safety will come first.'

And Mayor of Backwater, I Q Gorn, added: 'Mine's a large Southern Mormon, please. With ice.' Jack Daniels was unavailable for comment, as he was busy seeing his daughter getting married. To himself.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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