Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: Language, Washington

Wednesday, 23 June 2004

image for Cows and Pigs Demand Unified Language for Sandwiches
I've Had It With Humans' Imprecise Language!

Washington, DC--US cows and pigs today demanded a unified language for those long sandwiches consisting of cured meat and mustard or ketchup on crusty bread.

"We are refusing to be slaughtered until the USDA and US consumers can agree on a standard terminology for these sandwiches," said one cow. "We're tired of filling heroes, hoagies, grinders, po' boys, subs, and Dagwoods in different sections of the country. We want to fill one type of sandwich only. We want standardization of language!"

Said another cow, "They didn't have any trouble saying mad cow, mad cow! That's short and sweet!"

Said a pig, " As Woody Allen pointed out, once the Russians realized that the Czar and the Tsar were the same person, they standardized their language by starting the Russian Revolution and getting rid of the Czar and the Tsar. We're not trying to get rid of these sandwiches. We just want them to have one name."

"It cheapens us to lend our aura to so many knock-off versions of the same product," agreed another pig. "Designers selling at high-end stores don't also sell their fashions at budget emporiums. Cows and pigs deserve to know that they will end up in one high-quality sandwich bearing a valued name."

However, cows and pigs have so far been unable to figure out which product is the real product or to agree on one name that appeals to all of them. They are temporarily referring to these sandwiches as "the sandwich that used to be know by the names of hero, hoagie, po' boy, grinder, sub, and Dagwood," but they understand that this is only a temporary solution, especially among college students, rock stars, and toddlers.

Suggestion to date include the "Shut Up and Eat," the "NOT a vegetable," the "Stuff Your Face," and the "Oh So Bad For You But Tastes So Good." Consumers wishing to suggest sandwich names should send a letter to the USDA, which recommends stocking up on lunch meat because supplies are dwindling rapidly.

To date, chickens and turkeys are not involved in this linguistic uprising.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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