Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Friday, 6 March 2009

image for Obama Introduces "Auto-Erotic" Tax At White House Health Forum
Obama, looking very "satisfied"

(Washington, D.C.) It was an overlooked agenda item at the White House Forum on Health Reform Thursday, but it is one in which President Obama and his Director of Domestic Policy Council, Melody Barnes, are placing a good deal of weight. It is an "auto-erotic" tax which would place a graduated tax calculated on the age and number of males in households across the United States. President Obama said the tax would "stimulate the economy and ourselves in one motion."

"We're here to discuss one of the greatest threats, not just to the well-being of our families and the prosperity of our businesses," President Obama began. "It's the exploding cost of health care in America. And while we're talking about exploding, what if we were to tax auto-erotic actions." Confusion was imminent.

A University of Wisconsin medical student, Ed McMiller, one of the 150 "people of interest" asked to participate in the forum, was among the confused. "I thought it was a joke", said McMiller. "But I realized it was no joke when President Obama said, 'It's no joke.'" McMiller went on to say that he "should have realized something was up when luminaries from the adult world like Jessica Jaymes, Janine and Stephanie Swift were there." When McMiller was asked how he knew the adult stars, he said, "Ah, well, um, no comment."

It's exactly that reaction President Obama believes will bring much needed tax dollars to continue funding for stimulus package items, though he knows there is controversy. "None of us want more taxes. And there are some of you who are saying the working class will again bear the burden. But I'm talking about a fair tax not only calculated on the age and number of randy males per household but also shared by the providers of premium adult content." Obama went on to say "those with such infirmities as E.D. will be exempt. We want to make this fun but fair."

However fair, the tax is being met with opposition by the adult industry and Congress. Steven Hirsch, owner of the adult studio Vivid Pictures, finds it far from fair. "Why should people like me be taxed? You get some fat guy who has been eating steak all his life. He needs a bypass. Does the cow have to pay for the surgery?" Senator McCain articulated many members of both the House and Senate when he claimed the proposed tax "ageist, who is the President to say that men with E.D. don't seek pleasure in the works of Tory Lane, or so I've heard."

Regardless of the opposition, the Obama administration believes instituting such a tax could raise an additional $250 million yearly "and that doesn't include applying the tax to priests." Obama ended his discussion of the item by urging Congressional leaders like Senators Pelosi, Reid, and Boehner "to continue to move the process forward in committees by taking matters in your own hands."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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