Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 24 February 2009

image for Mickey Rourke Announces He Is Retiring
Mickey Rourke in a photo taken two years ago (photo courtesy of The East L.A. PD)

HOLLYWOOD - Mickey Rourke, the 56-year-old actor who staged an amazing 14-year comeback after an up and down roller coaster career in acting, boxing, and music has announced that he is retiring from the film industry.

The Schenectady, New York native said that he was thrilled at winning the Golden Globe Award for best actor, but that not winning the Academy Award has totally devastated him.

He said he was happy for Sean Penn, but he felt that he should have won the Academy Award. Even Penn told his limo driver that Mickey should have won it.

Rourke confided to one of his four Chihuahuas, Ann (named after Ann Coulter), that the only reason that Penn won instead of him was because of the fact that the sidesaddle folks think he's cute.

"Mick the Lip," who insists that he is not really bitter plans to call up Penn and challenge him to a boxing match.

He says that we he arrived home after the Academy Award show that he sat in his kitchen with his dogs and his longtime friend Jack Daniels and he told them all that he knows he can beat Penn in a boxing match.

Mickey told his publicist that three of his dogs think he can beat Penn, but one of them gives him a 50-50 chance.

"Rourke The Cork," the man who appears to be on the sloshed side 24/7, said that he wants Penn to put up his Oscar and he will put up his four Chihuahuas.

He said that the Oscar is actually worth about $47, and that his dogs all together are worth about $19,000.

Rourke was to have starred as RuPaul in his next movie, The Story of RuPaul - The Man, The Woman, The Dude, The Bitch.

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Taffeta Villamil, who is the world's foremost expert on Chihuahuas, and who has written 27 books on the breed, said that she has seen Rourke's four Chihuahuas and collectively they are actually only worth about $72 at the most.)

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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