Washington,DC/ Washington Post Real Estate Supplement/Apts. For Rent - In a trial run of the 2010 Census undertaken by Department of Commerce employees, volunteers found that there was "no one at home in the White House!'
While the lights were all on and the heat was set to 72 degrees with the jungle humidifiers running full bore, the only thing the note takers found was a creeping jungle mold and the mournful cries of tropical birds left in their aviary in the oval office chanting "Baaary...I miss you......AWWK!!"
Attempts to find the President, or any other government employee attached to the White House, met with negative results. A solitary guard stationed outside the Capitol Building said that Nancy Pelosi usually comes in late Thursday afternoon to make some private phone calls and check the answering machine before leaving on a three day weekend, and occasionally Barney Frank will show up unannounced to entertain a friend in the Lincoln Bedroom.
A spokesman for the Government Accounting Office confirmed that they also did not know where the President was most of the time. "We acceded to his wishes, and his weekly paycheck is set up in a direct deposit to the Bank of Dubai, where it is not subject to withholding taxes," the spokesman said.
"We have had to hire additional staff to process his American Express Card expenses and his Mobile Gas Card to keep up with his traveling costs, especially the aviation fuel, " the spokesman said, "but that's just him keeping his pledge to hire 600,000 more government workers."
As an aside, the spokesman said the President had been dropping into Venezuela between political trips, and his new friend, President for Life Hugo, had honored the $.15 cent per gallon aviation fuel agreement hammered out when the US joined the Banana Coalition.
Landing fees, however, were said to be 10 times the cost of any other airport in the world, with the exception of Myrtle Beach, SC, and Logan Airport in Massachusetts.
The real problem, he said in an aside, was Nancy Pelosi, who refused to go to self service aviation stations and pump her own and her gas bill was now higher than Spirit Airlines.
Since the President, wherever he is at the moment, has not been able to find
an unindicted or taxpaying appointee for the Commerce cabinet post, the census volunteers entered the master bedroom and counted the one empty suit hanging forlornly in the closet as the sole resident.
When questioned by Fox News about the empty suit count, the volunteer, shrugged her shoulders and said, " What's the big deal...I get paid $10 an hour whether there's anyone home or not...besides, the suit looked just like him on TV!"