Friday, 13 February 2009

Washington DC: Dr. Kartoffel Kopf, a visiting professor from the Dusseldorf School of Linguistics, has been lecturing here in the USA about how great leaders communicate. He has postulated an analytical model to measure the information contained in a speaker's oration.

Dr Kopf has postulated the following formula:

Information = (Verbal Skills) x (Content) x (Shortness)

Where:

Information (I): A number between 1 and 1000 that measures whether the listener can grasp the speaker's intent or feels he or she has just eaten Chinese food and is still hungry.

Verbal Skills (VB): A number between 1 and 10 that measures the quality of the speaker's command or destruction of the English Language.

Content (C): A number between 1 and 10 that defines the copious details of the speaker's message.

Shortness (S): A number between 1 and 10 that gages whether the speaker is providing short to the point answers or tap dancing around the subject.

A test case (sanity check) was performed on President Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, the "Gold Standard" of speeches. Each variable VB, C and S has a value of 10 causing I=1000, the maximum score.

President Barack Obama has VB as 9, C as 6 and S as 2 causing I= 108, due to the lack of brevity of his remarks.

President George W Bush has VB as 2, C as 6 and S as 9 causing I= 108, due to his unique Texas drawl.

Dr. Kopf presented these astounding results to the Democratic Congressional leadership. Namely that the current Democratic President and the former Republican President convey the same amount of information to the American people, while speaking.

Dr. Kopf had also planned to apply his mathematical model to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Representative Barney Frank's speeches before he left Washington DC. Specifically their speeches about the bailout and stimulus packages were to be analyzed. But the good doctor's Visa has been revoked by the US Department of State and he is being deported by Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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