Hollywood, California - Made deaf, dumb and apparently blind by the ticking away of their biological clocks, women bent on waiting so long for Mr. Right to come along that they let all the sand in their egg timer run out have once again allowed producers of ABC's "The Bachelor" TV show to invent a new way to exploit them. Just announced today, next season's show will not feature an eligible bachelor as during aired episodes in the past, but simply his essence.
"Let's face it these women don't have any time to waste on the fickle finger of fate," said an executive producer of show. "So instead having a man to compete over, we decided to go straight for what women really want from a man: his precious bodily fluids."
The show's producers readily admit they got the idea from Octuplets' mother, Nadya Suleman, who they hired as a consultant for the show. Outside a man's pheromone soaked t-shirt, Suleman claims there is nothing she finds more attractive than a canister of frozen sperm.
"You just can't beat its chilly subzero detached demeanor, its silvery metallic exterior, its tinsel stainless steel strength silently protecting its precious cargo of baby batter," said Suleman, while thumbing through a Hollywood phone directory looking for the nearest sperm bank, circling ads in the classifieds for sperm donors.
According to Suleman, deep down inside a canister of frozen sperm is what all women want, need and secretly desire.
"Getting sperm from a can instead of a man," said Suleman while pausing to retrieve her BlackBerry from her purse, checking for messages from the postings she placed on Craig's List and eBay for possible future suitor. "Gives you a feeling of empowerment. Especially since at the end of the relationship or embryo transplantation procedure, you're the one that doesn't get thrown aside, tossed into the waste basket marked 'Biological Hazard".
"We're confident next season's fans of the show and new viewers alike will be pleasantly surprised to discover that finally female contestants will not have lower themselves in a race to the bottom contending with each other over the sexual whims of some man just to get what they want," said the show's executive producer. "Now, they can get to what they want right away without all the fuss and preliminary stuff that in my opinion gets in the way during the traditional courtship with a man."
As a result of the executive producer's new found philosophy, however, the show has come under criticism for allegedly resorting to creative editing and computer-generated imagery (CGI) to alter the physical appearances of its contestants in order to make them appealing to the viewing audience.
Rumors have it that heavy reediting is taking place, while producers dismiss the charges as mere retinue last minute touchups.
"We're just making them camera friendly," said a producer. "After all, everybody knows the camera puts on ten, twenty or, in some instances, thirty pounds."
Standing side by side in their bathrobes, fuzzy slippers and with empty beer cans (used as hair curlers) on their heads, the "The Bachelor" competitors looked like anything but, as they did not even bother to put on makeup or shave their legs for the giving of the rose ceremony, traditionally a high point in the show.
Later, during the show's finale, the winner flicks a cigarette from her mouth to pick up an oversized bottle of champagne holding it in one arm and the frozen canister of sperm in the other. Unconsciously, she drops the frozen canister of sperm as she grabs the oversized bottle of champagne with both hands and throws her head back taking one final belt before tossing the now empty bottle to the floor shattering it. Then after wiping her mouth with the sleeve of her rope, she bends down to pick up the frozen canister of sperm from the floor and that rolled under a table. She says, talking to the canister of frozen sperm: "Okaaayyy, let's get this show on the road. Hey, where did the little guys go? Oh, there you are. Come here. Don't try to run away from Momma like that ever again. You're mine tonight, all of you. Hey, aren't you supposed to come with a turkey baster or something? Or are you like my ex-boyfriend and need help with that too?"
"Ah, umm," said a producer of the show. "We'll clean that up a bit more in post editing before we air it."