Compton, CA - Barney, the lovable, iconic, purple dinosaur of the popular PBS television show loved the world over, has been assassinated.
Taking credit for the hit just hours ago was a group calling itself, "Two To The Head Club" led by the notorious street thug, C-Funk.
The gang leader phoned our news station KDKN from his headquarters in Compton to take credit for the hit. "Fuck Barney - dinosaurs are extinct anyway, you dig?" Who da fuck do he think he is, perpin' a dinosaur, you dig? Dude was tryin' ta muscle my turf, see what I'm sayin'? You dig? See what I'm sayin'?" He was saying.
What we were able to gather about the assassination was that Barney was on his way to drug rehab after having lost his job and a bout with depression. Barney's show was canceled, and reduced to reruns airing in the monasteries of Tibet.
Walking down Crenshaw Street to the rehab clinic, a pair of masked motorcycle riders wearing Hip Hop Harry uniforms opened up on Barney with automatic gunfire as they sped past. A lone witness, Tyrone Dawashington, name being withheld for fear of retaliation, said Barney ran past him as bullets flew, while shouting, "You bitch-type wanna-be rappers tell Hip Hop Harry and C-Funk to kiss my purple dick."
When we asked C-Funk why he would put the hit on a lovable, cuddly purple dinosaur that kids worldwide adored, C-Funk replied, "Lemme told you somethin', you be stupid? Aint no such thangs as purple dinosaurs, plus, Barney be takin' away ma gang prospects by edumacatin' em'. I's need fresh meat, ah means members, for ma gang. See what I'm sayin'? Understand me? Ya know? Dig? See, dat's what I'm talkin' bout. See what I'm sayin?"
C-Funk went on to say that Hip Hop Harry ordered the hit in retaliation for Barney's refusal to join Hip Hop Harry's TV show, a program with widespread appeal to up and coming gang members. Calls and emails to Hip Hop Harry have gone unanswered, and our phone conversation with him isn't enough evidence to have C-Funk and Hip Hop arrested.
LA County's sheriff's were unable to link C-Funk or Hip Hop Harry to the crime and don't expect cooperation from the public, except for Tyrone Dawashington who is now working for rapper Hip Hop Harry. If we receive any more information about the case we will update you. Citizens are asked to call their local police department if their memories all of a sudden return.