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Friday, 6 February 2009

image for Potheads Rally Around Michael Phelps, Boycott Kell Logg Flake Company
Billows: "'Sugar frosted fakes' is more like it! That's nutrition? How much sugar does one person even need?

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - The Kell Logg Flake Company (KLFC) has decided not to pursue a new contract with Michael Phelps. The subject of controversy, Phelps recently found himself pictured on the cover of a British tabloid taking a ripping bong hit. In view of this fact, Kell Logg released a statement indicating their "disappointment" at Phelps' failure as "a role model and a hero" because he likes to "blaze up trees" from time to time.

In a surprising turn of events, potheads everywhere have now decided to boycott Kell Logg.

"Ha! This is totally bogus!" said local pothead Josh Billows. "I've seen this sort of repression before. Just because he [Phelps] smokes weed, that's supposed to mean he's a loser or something?! He's got like 14 Olympic gold medals! That's chill, though. I'm just not gonna munch down on any Kell Logg products anymore. Look at all this sh*t," he said, opening his cabinets one by one.

"I've got Crapple Jacks, Raisin Brain, Super Sugar Buzz, Crack Smackin' Pops... over here there's some Toasted Pastries and Sugar Frosted Fakes, Kilo-Blur Cookies, Fructose Roll-Ups, and in the freezer I've even got some L'Eggo of my Waffles."

He added with a shrug, "I'm pretty much sick of all this crap, anyway. I mean, I feel good while I'm eating it, but then I crash, and I've got to drink a bunch of sodas just to get back up again."

Upon hearing of KLFC's announcement, millions of potheads everywhere like Josh are deciding that it's time they, too, stop buying mega-sugary munchables from the Kell Logg Flake Company. With Kell Logg already bracing for losses to be incurred from recalling products containing vomit- and diarrhea-inducing ingredients, this new boycott might very well prove detrimental.

KLFC stock rose slightly today, and is expected to gain a bit more as moms buy even more sugar frosted nonsense for their children to show support for KLFC's decision to drop 16-time Olympic Swim Medalist, multiple world record holder and "chronically" red-eyed bong-ripper Michael Phelps. Nevertheless, many experts believe stocks may soon experience a sharp downturn as potheads everywhere begin to deplete their comestibles and replace them with new, non-KLFC munchies. That is, if they even remember to.

"But I really have been meaning to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables, though, you know?" says Josh Billows. "Seriously, I've heard it really isn't that good for you to binge on all that sugar, anyway. Talk about a gateway drug... why do they even peddle this crap? It's bad for you, yo. What a let down."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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