Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: water, Pennsylvania

Tuesday, 15 June 2004

image for Huge Tidal Wave Hits Johnstown, PA
Johnstown Business District

Residents of Johnstown, Pennsylvania were shocked to wake up this morning and discover that a huge tidal wave of water had inundated the town. Johnstown, the scene of at least seventy five disastrous floods over the past 100 years lies several hundred feet below sea level.

The water, which town and county administrators stress was not part of a flood and is part of an oceanic tidal wave, more properly a Tsunami, was totally unexpected. Mayor Hobart Sears: "it's been raining, and rivers are high, sure, but that's happened before and it didn't flood. There's no reason to believe this is a flood. This is a tidal wave, I'm pretty sure."

When asked to explain how he could be certain of that the mayor flushed, "I'm an investment broker when I'm not being a mayor. You know how they always say, ‘past performance is no guarantee of future earnings' well, it's just like that, here. Past floods don't predict future ones."

Administrators and relief officials are at a loss to explain how a 'fresh water' oceanic tsunami descended upon Johnstown, 200 miles inland, when it did not flood the intervening areas.

"It's a puzzle, alright," said City Attorney Leon Tumulty. "It's a puzzle. But look. you've got the water and it's not a flood, so what else is it? It's just a good thing we got that tidal wave insurance last year."

The National Re-Insurance Board announced that Johnstown's Flood insurance was cancelled in 2001 and all agents in the area stopped writing policies by 2002. Wayne Bolivar, president of the National Re-Insurance Board smiled a grim smile when asked about Johnstown. "See you in court," he said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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