Written by Ilona Ronay
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Topics: Lawn

Monday, 14 June 2004

Recently collected data confirm that weekend car washing by spouses has surpassed sex as the most frequent, and the most enjoyable, activity in suburbia, with lawn mowing, leaf blowing, and powerwashing tied for third place. Tied for fourth place were maiming youth baseball and soccer coaches and tailgating MIni-Coopers. In fifth place was the frisson people said they experienced when they could say "Have a nice day!" more than six times in one hour. Sixth place was wearing a baseball hat.

Door-to-door polls were conducted randomly through select New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, and Delaware counties, and all yielded the same findings--spousal car washing occurred 1.9 times weekly, and spousal sex occurred 1.5 times weekly. Spousal car washing was defined as car washing with two buckets, two sponges, and both spouses outside working. It did not matter if both people were on the same or opposite sides of the car. For spousal sex, both people had to be on the same side of the bed. Un-spousal sex, otherwise known as being unfaithful and/or having affairs, did not count for the purposes of this survey.

One of the poll takers had this to say, "Honestly, I think if people could mow all year, lawn mowing would come out in first place by a wide margin. Maybe we should run this poll in California." Other poll takers, especially the younger ones and those of Italian ancestry, were flabbergasted by the results." "I just don't get it," one said. "What is the big thrill about washing a car? Am I missing something here?"

Not even making the list as favorite activities in suburbia were cooking from scratch, writing poetry, and driving a car with good gas mileage. "Ya wanna do those things, move to a city," snarled one couple as they lovingly washed their cherry-red Hummer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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