Written by Bureau
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Topics: Language, Safety

Saturday, 10 January 2009

image for Big Words Complicating Nation's Safety Announcements
Bubba's Car, Only Car In WallyMart 's Parking Lot

Holler Ridge, Mississippi resident Larry "Bubba" Armstrong was slow to react to sensationalist television reports about a possible attack by Middle East terrorists because he couldn't quite get what the announcer said.

"Shoot fire, I knowed it was something fierce the way that school teacher shopping at WallyMart reacted, throwing a head of lettuce up in the air sudden-like when the pernouncement was turned up for the whole store to hear."

"But what's it mean? Just lots of high-fallutin words and then that "Red Alert" thing."

"Shore, I knowed Red Alert is B-A-D but why run around like a chicken with it's head barely hanging on after it wudden chopped right?"

"If one of them there terrorists come around our place, Pa's got a 12-gage shotgun ready to blow their heads clean off!"

"I'm just gonna take my time and finish my shopping, we need an extra case of beer cause this place could close fer awhile. Better make that two, naw five I guess."

"Ohhhweeee! Bet there must be ten wrecks in the parking lot. Usually only a couple at WallyMart. This thang must be something bad."

"Why don't they say that? Just say there's something bad going on and you need to hurry on home, just like Granny did after she seen me watching her hunkerin down behind the barn that time and groaning and moaning that her belly hurt and she used them poison ivy leaves."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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