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Thursday, 8 January 2009

image for Flynt, Francis to Assist Federal Government in Sperm Bank Bailout
Congress says it will "take things in hand."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - When Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild filmmaker Joe Francis traveled to Washington to ask for $5 billion in bailout money, their expectations weren't exactly high. To their surprise, Congress offered them a deal involving a trade in services.

As Flynt pointed out, sex is the last thing on people's minds with the American economy gone limp. He and Francis noted that DVD sales are flaccid, down 22% from this time last year. These figures correspond closely with a 24% decrease in sperm bank deposits indicated by falling poll numbers.

Unable to fulfill the National Sperm Bank's appeal earlier this week for massive emergency sperm deposits, Congress initially denied their request. However, in light of this newest request by Flynt and Francis, representative Barney Frank has come up with a creative solution that should benefit all parties involved, including Congress itself.

A tentative agreement reached this Thursday calls for a $1 billion injection into the porn industry, far less than the original amount requested, but a substantial sum nevertheless. In return, Flynt and Francis must supply all male members of the House of Representatives and Senate with examples of their best material on DVD. From there, Congress said it will "take things in hand," promising National Sperm Bank CEO Rod Cummings that they will now be able to make all necessary deposits to keep the bank afloat.

"I find it encouraging that we were able to organize this 3-way... um, agreement," said Flynt. "Hopefully we'll see a growth spurt coming to the economy very soon."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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