Written by Charlie Van Horn
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Topics: Washington, Invasion

Sunday, 13 June 2004

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Fifteen year old Elizabeth Smart of Salt Lake City, Utah, has been tapped by President Bush to replace CIA director George Tenet. The teen, who is an expert on kidnapping and home invasion, is expected to be particularly tough on Al Qaeda's current activities.

"I have always admired her courage and strength, and she (Smart) is more than capable to handle this role in helping to ensure victory in this war on terror" remarked President Bush in a press conference on Monday.

Smart, who doesn't have a drivers license or a high school diploma, ensures her detractors she has what it takes.

"I'm putting anyone who intends to commit acts of terror on notice", Smart said, "That we will go after them with every resource we have available, from cutting off their financial support to not allowing Aaron Carter to tour in countries that aid or abet terror regimes"

According to Smarts mother, Lois, her daughter does feel that singer Carter is dreamy.

"She does have a sticker of his stuck on her new Hello Kitty CIA Homework folder"

The new CIA chief was kidnapped nearly two years ago, but was returned after nine harrowing months.

Lt. Gen. Michael Hayden of the United States Air Force, who works for the National Security Agency, has high hopes for the Bush administrations appointee.

"I'm willing to bet that little girl is going to go balls-out on whacking those nuts who are taking Americans hostage around the world"

Presumed Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry said that "Smart is a smart pick, and I can only hope that she would be willing to stay on if I become president"

Among the first changes made in the young Smart CIA, suspects held by the military will be forced to listen to selections personally played on a harp by the new chief.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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