Los Angeles CA: A new study, just released by the Sierra Club, indicates that Polar Bears are the cause of global warming in the Arctic regions. Up to 60% of these Polar Bears reside in the Canadian Arctic. The Russians have denied that their Polar Bears were involved.
Decaying Polar Bear poop gives off CO2 and other pollutants that go into the atmosphere, possibly causing melting glacier ice. Apparently mama Polar Bears don't teach their cubs "not to crap where they live." Distantly related to cows, the Polar Bear also creates flatulence, mainly methane gas which also goes into the atmosphere.
Worldwide there are currently 25,000 Polar Bears, substantially up from 5,000 bears in the 1960s. An effort will be made to reduce the CO2/Methane levels produced by the 15,000 Canadian Polar Bears to 1960 levels. An environmental spokesperson said "red diapers are to be put on each of the Polar Bears that retain a 90 day accumulation of effluvium and also humanely mark the animal as taken care of. It is estimated that 5,000 volunteers are needed in Canada to do this task and recycle the diapers. Each volunteer gets to adopt three bears (goldilocks not included).
Beano is also to be sowed in the Canadian Arctic, near Polar Bear food sources and habitats, to eliminate gas emanations.
The Canadian government has been rather reluctant to allow 5,000 crazy Americans into the country all at once. If the initial diaper remedy is unsuccessful, other means will have to be found to solve this environmental dilemma. A mama bear diaper changing training program is being contemplated, as "Polar Bears are smarter than the average bear." The Canadian government will donate "Diaper Genies."
A Polar Bear hunt has not been ruled out. An environmental spokesperson said "the bear hunt is only to be employed as a last resort, if the Polar Bears continue to pollute the environment." Caribou are now also suspect, as opposed to oil pipelines, for causing environmental problems in Alaska. There has been no comment from PETA.
Rumor has it that the new Obama administration is considering a Polar Bear bailout, but Congressional Republicans are very "cool and bearish" to this idea.