Written by linda warnke
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Wednesday, 17 December 2008

image for Jehovah's Witnesses to Deliver Mail

In a move that proponents say will save the federal government millions of dollars, the United States Postal Service announced today that the Watchtower Bible And Tract Society will begin having it's members deliver the mail.

Known as Jehovah's Witnesses, they are notable for their door-to-door proselytizing and have an impressive record of visiting even the most remote of locations on a regular basis. "They cover an incredible amount of territory" says USPS spokesman Larry Toppy. "Even a bush league Witness can put the most seasoned postal employee to shame."

Although Jehovah's Witnesses avoid association with what they call "wordly governments", Watchtower officials gave the thumbs-up to the idea after the USPS gave assurances that the Witnesses would not have to don the uniform.

"Wearing a postal workers uniform would definitely associate us with government, and we can't have that," says Brad Steiner, a Watchtower Society spokesman. "However, simply carrying the mail, and delivering it to the various households on our routes does not violate any Biblical principles that we are aware of."

Witnesses like Norma Klepchick agree. "Sure, I don't have a problem with it," she says. "Maybe if people thought we might be delivering something like their tax refund checks they wouldn't be so quick to slam the damned door in our faces...oh shit, did I just say 'damn'?"

Watchtower's Mr. Steiner goes on to say "There is actually Biblical precedent for having Christians perform this work. Take a look at the New Testament books like letters to the Ephesians, letters to the Corinthians, etc. How do you suppose those letters got to their destinations? It sure wasn't the fucking Romans schlepping them over there...oh shit, did I just say 'fuck'?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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