Written by Ed E. Druckman
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Saturday, 22 November 2008

(Washington, D.C.) Things seemed to go from Green Zone to Highway One for current Attorney General Michael Mukasey at a Federalist Society dinner held at the Marriott Wardman Park Hotel Thursday.

Mukasey was giving a spirited defense of the Bush administration's legal policies when, as one eyewitness put it, "his thoughts began to wander more than a George W. Bush answer explaining his view's on torture."

Mukasey seemed to be doing a "great job defending an administration that has an approval rating any golfer would envy as a score," continued the same eyewitness. However, following his praise of the Bush administration for "nothing less than a fundamental reorganization of our government" after the September 11th terrorist attacks, beads of sweat began to appear on the Attorney General's head. Then his voice shook as he continued blasting the "relentless critics of the very policies that have kept us safe."

Jon "Boogie Board" Wagner, a banquet waiter assigned to the dais from which Mukasey was speaking, noticed the change. "Dude, he kept motioning for water like he had just sparked a fatty before he got up. But I looked at him, and I thought no way this wizened old dude parsed a number." In fact, it was Wagner who first alerted all to the situation. "I told my banquet manager, 'This old dude ain't gonna make it.'" Wagner went on to say because "there were so many old dudes up there, my manager didn't know who I meant." Then Mukasey slumped over. "That old dude," said Wagner.

However, it was in the EMS truck going to George Washington University Hospital that the controversy occurred. According to Senior EMS tech Randall Pinkney, Mukasey was "drifting in and out of consciousness, saying things like 'I'll resign if I see anything unconstitutional, HA!', and 'Sure, I'll make decisions based on the rule of law and not administration motives, HA, HA.' Then he started singing "Brush Up on Your Shakespeare" from the musical "Kiss me, Kate."

But perhaps the most telling statement was made to Pinkney as he was taking Mukasey into the emergency room. "He asked me, 'How is the Bush administration like a sh*t sandwich? The more bread you have, the less sh*t you have to eat. I like marble rye.'" When asked by an AP reporter how Pinkney would interpret this, he replied, "I would say he likes marble rye but not George Bush."

The Bush administration was quick to counter this in a statement released by White House Deputy Press Secretary Tony Fratto to CNN. "To take Attorney General Mukasey's words as literal given his state of consciousness is absurd. I know for a fact this man prefers pumpernickel to marble rye any day."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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