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Monday, 17 November 2008

image for Racist White Backlash follows Obama Victory
Professor Jefferson Davis White predicts that red states will secede during Obama presidency

Red Neck, Alabama - Just within two weeks of Barack Obama's historic win as the first African-American presidential candidate, ugly signs of racist white backlash are beginning to appear across America.

Widespread incidents are reported from Maine to Alabama and include schoolchildren singing assassination chants, cross-burnings on lawns, racist graffiti, assassination betting pools, and Obama effigies. Most of the incidents are occurring in the Deep South and rural Midwest states.

Rhett Burnham, Grand Wizard of the Red Neck, Alabama KKK and local church choirmaster, stated that their membership has gone up by 666% since Obama's election as president.

"Bama's a lightening rod alright," explained GW Burnham. "It's nothing personal against him. We hate all colored people," sang out Burnham, spitting his chewing tobacco on the ground for emphasis.

Unfurling a Confederate flag on the flagpole outside his home and taking down the Stars and Stripes, Mr Burnham bemoaned the election of Mr Obama. "The bible said it would come to this. The apocalypse has come true. Bama's just the tipping point in the perfect storm. God save us all."

At Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming ten years after the brutal homophobic murder of Matthew Shepard, an effigy of Barack Obama has been tied to a barbed wire fence.

Cattle rancher and 'Yes We Can Secede' website master, Cass Strator has blogged on her website that Obama is not her president.

"His kind's not welcome here," blogged Ms Strator. "If he shows up, I'll brand him and castrate him and sell his Rocky Mountain oysters on eBay."

Cass Strator shared that her 'Yes We Can Secede' website has crashed several times this past week due to very heavy viewer traffic. "We've had more hits than Abba and Elvis and the Beatles combined," beamed an exuberant Ms Strator.

"Southerners and Westerners are fed up to the gills with what's happened to this country since 1865. Bama's election just put the frosting on that cake for us. We're outta here."

Indeed there are growing indications that the secession movement is gaining momentum in disaffected regions of America.

"There's no united states, never has been," espoused Professor Jefferson Davis White from the League of Southern Gentlemen. "There's three or four Americas. There's us, the true Americans, rightful descendants of the Puritans and criminally insane, who respect the bible and the right to bear arms and nothing else. We live in the South and Midwest with some outposts in Ohio and of course Alaska."

"Then there's the lily-livered liberals with their civil rights, human rights, gay rights and anti-war bullshit. They live in the Northeast and Californication and the rest of the west coast. Luckily God has sent forest fires to burn most of them out and give them a taste of hell."

"Then there's the Blacks or African-Americans or whatever they call themselves and they seem to live all over the place now. And then there's the Hispanics or Mexicans or Latinos or whatever they call themselves. They seem to think they own much of the Southwest and Southern California for some reason."

Professor Jefferson Davis White predicted that the United States would likely break apart during the Obama presidency.

"We almost did it back in the 1860s," asserted White, dusting off his replica model of the CSS Shenandoah. "But that was just North versus South and the help we got promised from England was mostly crap. Now we know the Brits are crap so we won't rely on them."

"This time it's North and South against East and West. Even with the Panama Canal, there's no way the San Francisco ballet company and New York hot dog vendors can unite against us."

"Plus, we're not talking cotton any more. This time it's soybeans, and you know who buys all of them from us," hinted Professor Jefferson Davis White, flashing the 'Made in China' label on the bottom of his replica model of the CSS Shenandoah.

One blogger on the 'Yes We Can Secede' website has suggested a peaceful solution with Obama being president of the blue states and Sarah Palin proclaimed president of the red states.

Palin has blogged back that she would be honored to be president of the red states and has immediately assembled a motorcade of snowmobiles and four wheelers for her inauguration.

Hillary Clinton, Obama's new Secretary of State, is reportedly meeting with her counterpart in President Palin's cabinet to work out an historic secession agreement.

"Looks like we left Arkansas just in time," stated a pants-suited Clinton. "If I can get this red state secession sorted out, the Middle East will be a piece of cake."

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