Written by Andrew J. Horne
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Topics: Washington, Strike

Tuesday, 8 June 2004

image for Gatorade Introduces New Meat Flavored Beverages
“Beef – Is it in You?”

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON - After public demand and a 46-hour hunger strike, the Gatorade Corporation has finally approved plans for a brand new lineup of meat flavored sports drinks. Some of the upcoming flavors include Fierce Pork, Frosty Beef, and the vegetarian alternative, Mountain Tofu Blast.

"Gatorade is the superior quencher," Gatorade President Tony Highsmith said, "for our athletes deep-down primeval thirst for meat."

According to Highsmith, the salmonella and other scientifically engineered electrolyte-replenishing bacteria give our nations' basketball stars the edge needed to give their best both on and off the court.

A new series of television ads promoting the controversial new drink by asking the audience "Beef - Is it in you?" will start next week. Highsmith later added, "I can't believe our competitors at Power-Aid have not also tapped the high-profit market for rehydrative meat beverages." The mineral rich, high-carb drink promises to clog your arteries with power and perseverance. The Seattle Supersonics, under contract by Gatorade will be the first to test out the new flavors.

"My tired lactic-acid drenched muscles can't wait for the rejuvenating power of meat!" exclaimed Patrick Ewing as he ran from paparazzi photographers.

As we begin a new millennium, our human athletes need an advantage in order to compete with new, genetically superior cyborg athletes and malnourished, undereducated migrant workers. "Here at Gatorade," Highsmith said, "we are dedicated to eradicating the myth that water is a more effective quencher and vitamin regenerator than various animals organs ground up into a delicious paste."

Once the Supersonics have endorsed the drink, animal testing will begin, and by the year 2005, Gatorade hopes that it will finally receive FDA approval for human testing.


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