Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 14 November 2008

image for Every Eskimo Voted For Barack Obama
Soopa Tukisiwok's 2001 Toyota Corolla has 217 miles.

ARCTIC VILLAGE, Alaska - CNN has just learned that all of the 20,000 votes that were cast by Alaskan Eskimos in the presidential election, were all cast for Barack Obama.

When Governor Sarah Palin was first informed that not one Alaskan citizen of Eskimo descent had voted for 'Big Mac' and her she did an old-fashioned double-take, in the tradition of the late, great Johnny Carson.

Palin shook her head and said, "Ya know, I just cannot believe that. I love the Eskimo people...in fact I have always said that they make some pretty darn good pies."

Soopa Tukisiwok who at the age of 103, is the oldest Eskimo residing in Alaska was asked why it is that not one single Eskimo voted for the McCain-Palin ticket.

Tukisiwok slowly replied that there were two reasons. "The first", he said, "is because everyone heard that John McCain was an ex-POW. And they all just assumed that POW stood for 'poacher of whales.'

And of course, the whales, like the salmon, the polar bears, and the guppies are all sacred to the Eskimo people, kind of like the way that molasses is to Vermonters or blue tip kitchen matches are to Ohioans.

The second reason was because every Eskimo knows that Sarah Palin loves to shoot animals. And the Eskimos, who are an extremely close knit race (and the minus 60 degree winters will do that to you) do not like her 'Annie Oakley' attitude."

Tukisiwok summed it all up by saying, "Ya know, my friends, you shoot a polar bear, a caribou, a whale, a moose, or a reindeer, and you can kiss the Eskimo vote goodbye. And you can take that to The First National Eskimo Igloo Bank of Fairbanks. My name is Soopa Tukisiwok and I approve of this frozen message."

In related news, Soopa Tukisiwok did however, give Sarah Palin full credit for the tremendous boom in Eskimo Pie sales.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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