Written by Tyler James Perry
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Wednesday, 5 November 2008

image for Bitch can't afford batteries for her vibrator due to bad economy
"Will you get me some batteries?"

The current state of the economy is a major turnoff for 21-year-old local resident Jenna Buzzins. The freak used to go through two 8-packs of Energizer AAA batteries a week, and much like the Energizer Bunny, she'd keep going and going… Now she's forced to cut back a little, due to her having an empty pocket book.

"Ugh, I hate it. I'm out of batteries and haven't used my toy all week," Buzzins said. "I'm about to lose my mind."

Batteries have been the biggest problem for the horny bitch this year, as her part-time job between classes isn't enough to cover the costs of her sex toy addiction.

"I soon realized I couldn't cut out gas, cigarettes, alcohol and food from my limited budget, so I had to limit the amount of batteries I used."

She's now down to one pack of batteries a week. They only last two days.

When asked what she was going to do, she said she considered going out and banging some random guy, but then realized she would probably end up wanting a relationship with the first guy she saw, and he would eventually get a restraining order on her crazy ass.

Buzzins' best friend, Cassie Lynn Martinez, also has a sex toy, but says she only uses it twice a week because she "has a fuckin life"

Martinez, who seemed more like an enemy than a friend to Buzzins, showed little sympathy for the current rut that has stricken her "friend."

"She just needs to get over the past and stop acting like a whiny bitch," she said. "If she'd stop being so pathetic, she could probably go out and get laid, and then she wouldn't need to go through batteries like a drunk goes through whiskey."

Moments after Martinez left, Buzzins came back in the room with tears in her eyes, having overheard the interview.

"I thought she was my friend," the teary-eyed bitch cried out. "What is wrong with me? Why doesn't anybody like me?"

After smoking a Marlboro and bitching endlessly, she continued whining about not having batteries.

"God damn it, why do batteries have to be so much?" she asked. "Will you get me some batteries?"

After her request for batteries was denied, she became upset and requested the interview end. When asked why she didn't just get rechargeable batteries, her face seemed to brighten up a little.

"Wow, I never even thought about that," she said. "It sounds like a lot of trouble though."

In the meantime, she will learn to deal with a life without pleasure, her sex toy sitting on her night stand with dead Energizers that had their life buzzed out of them long ago.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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