Written by Justin Satire
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Sunday, 2 November 2008

image for Sir Robert: Will the King's Men Steal the Vote?
A peasant prepares to "run the gauntlet" to cast his vote on Tuesday

The elusive Robin Hood of voter reform became a hunted man last week when he granted an eleventh-hour exclusive interview with Rolling Grindstone, and publicly accused the king's men of "stealing the vote".

Sir Robert Kennedy Jr., last in a long line of blue-blood aristocrats and voted "Sexiest Knight Still Alive" by Peasant Magazine, has been shouting from the battlements that peasants may need to "steal back" their votes to ensure they will be counted on Election Day.

In response, the Sheriff of Halliburton declared that, "Any peasant found stealing will have their hands cut off."

Halliburton and all the king's men have been facing growing dissent, even within their own ranks, as popular support leans towards usurping the absent king with the "outsider", Prince Obama of Kenya. Using scare tactics, the king's men and their last-resort candidate for the throne, Don McCain Quixote, have attempted in vain to tie the charismatic Obama with the French terrorist, William the Conqueror.

According to peasants, the revelation that their votes might not count on election day was "the last straw".

Two weeks ago, villagers armed with sticks and pitchforks erected a makeshift guillotine in the Rose Garden of the White House and cut off the heads of the palace guards. When the king's men eventually emerged from hiding, they spread a counter-rumor that the peasants had been invited to spend the afternoon playing soccer on the lawns.

In fact, the peasants had been seen kicking the heads of the decapitated Swiss Guards around the grounds while the king's men huddled in the Oval Office. The king, whose absence over the past eight years has sparked criticism that he "has no idea what's going on at home", was away on his own crusade.

Sir Robert claims that peasants may discover that they are actually no better off than serfs on Election Day if all the king's men have their way. And the peasant vote could swing the election, ending the Hundred Years War that has drained the royal piggy-bank.

The popular knight's most recent Grindstone expose has the king's men again accusing Peasant Magazine's 'Lancelot of the People' of "fanning the embers of discontent across the land", while the Sheriff of Halliburton reportedly put a bounty of two hundred chickens on Sir Robert's head, with a duck thrown in if a written recantation can be produced stating that Sir Robert's "preposterous claim" is a big fat lie. Particularly the part about the stolen votes.

"Absolutely nothing has been stolen," Halliburton assured a press corps of town-criers. "Peasants have nothing - and were quite happy having nothing until Sir Robert stuck his lance in, I'll have you know. Peasants are, by definition, happy being unhappy being peasants."

In the king's perpetual absence from the land, the Sheriff of Halliburton had called for an emergency measure last week to reinstate the feudal system to ensure "equal opportunity for all poor people" at the voting booth. However, monks were unable to complete the hand written re-write of the Constitution in time for the election since the raid by Vikings last week on the island of Lindesfarne that depleted the monastery of scribes.

As Election Day looms, concern over already 'stolen votes' and obstacles at the polling booth has soared. When asked about the rumors of possible retribution by all the king's men if peasants who find themselves barred from voting should protest, Halliburton was quick to respond.

"Any peasant who manages to run the gauntlet of impossible tasks on Election Day and makes it to the polling booth unscathed deserves to cast his vote. However, we are not responsible for anybody who gets accidentally hung, drawn and quartered when leaving the polling station."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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