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Friday, 31 October 2008

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Obama Appoints Russell Brand as White House Press Secretary

Madcap, PA - Presumptive President-elect Barack Obama has announced the appointment of disgraced BBC bad boy Russell Brand as his White House Press Secretary. Brand, along with fellow prankster Jonathan Ross, fell from grace and was effectively sacked by the BBC following a highly publicised on-air scandal.

According to Wikipedia, the White House Press Secretary is a senior White House official with a rank just one step below Presidential Cabinet level. The Press Secretary is the primary spokesperson for the Administration.

Well ahead in the polls, like Thomas Dewey in 1948, a cocky Obama shared the news of Brand's appointment as his Press Secretary on a pirate radio broadcast with former BBC presenter Jonathan Ross live from Ross' garage.

"As President, it will be my duty to bring in to Washington the best minds to serve the people," said Obama. "I can't think of a better person than my close friend Russell Brand to be my primary spokesperson."

When asked by Jonathan Ross if the appointment of Brand wasn't just a publicity stunt to draw even more attention to himself, Obama defended his decision.

"If I wanted to do that, Jonathan, I would have appointed you, wouldn't I?" mused mixed-race Obama, showing his lighter side.

"All joking aside,Jonathan" continued a smirking Obama, whose stifled smiles couldn't be seen on radio, "Russell Brand is a fresh and gifted talent who will appeal to all the young people that now idolize me."

"We may have to work a bit to get the old farts on board though, after Brand's cock-up on BBC," conceded Obama. "But Russell does mention his mother quite a bit in his routines when he discusses his sex addiction, so that should help."

Russell Brand, along with Jonathan Ross, caused quite a rumpus of late in the normally dozy BBC kingdom by insulting veteran actor Andrew Sachs who played the Spanish waiter Manuel in the classic Faulty Towers comedy series.

The dim-witted pair egged each other on air to repeatedly phone Sachs and claim Brand had been having sex with his granddaughter, aspiring actress and Satanic Slut, Georgina Baillie.

Brand is reportedly thrilled at the offer to be Obama's White House Press Secretary.

"Wow, it's great," exclaimed Brand. "I'm already working on my material. You know how Bill Clinton described himself as the Comeback Kid? I can do better than that. After Georginagate, I'm the Cumback Kid."

"I think I'll give my first White House press briefing nude from the waist down behind the presidential podium," offered Brand, not wanting to give too much away in advance of his appointment.

Brand mused on how he could liven up Obama as well during boring policy speeches.

"It was so easy to wind up Jonathan Ross, wasn't it? Ross and Obama are quite similar: similar age, want to be hipper than they really are, think they're sexy and sassy, think they're on top of their game and untouchable. Getting Obama to do and say stupid things for the press will be a piece of cake."

"I don't want to give too much away, but just to whet your appetite a bit, here's a press conference script I'm working on for Obama and myself," shared Brand, teasing his hair higher and higher like an androgynous Amy Winehouse just struck by lightning.

"What we do is try to import a little British humour into America, kind of like Little Britain is doing right now. So, I get Obama to phone up Bill and Hillary on-air and claim he is having unprotected sex with Chelsea. Viewer ratings should go through the roof, don't you think?"

"And with virtually no public broadcasting in America," added Brand, "who are the whiners and wankers going to complain to? CNN is hardly BBC. I don't even know where Atlanta is."

Current White House Press Secretary, Dana Perino, gagged when she was informed of Obama's plans to appoint Russell Brand to replace her.

"Judging by his tight trousers, Brand is several degrees to the left of that cocky Obama," exclaimed a shocked and horrified Perino. "Put the two of them together in the White House and all hell is bound to break lose."

There are early signs that Perino may be even more right than talk show host Michael Savage.

Appearing side-by-side with Russell Brand, both in tight leather jeans and sporting suspiciously similar hairdos, Obama recently announced his new personal stylist is legendary boxing promoter Don King.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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