Levitating above the crowd during his acceptance speech, Barack Obama promised change, an end to global warming and a ziplock sandwich bag that actually closed without having to roll across it with your body. He later recanted his third promise as a ridiculous dream that resulted from being "caught up in the moment."
Despite his inspiring message and post speech healing ceremony that saw three people raised from the dead, the poll numbers show a rapid decline in his approval rating among funeral home directors aged 25 to 45.
"We've seen this kind of thing before." said his campaign director, Muhamed Dukakis. "When some candidates are perceived as being brilliant, really smart and more genius-er than the religion clingers, there's a period of jealousy."
In an attempt to slow his precipitous fall in the polls, Obama's campaign team, along with hundreds of volunteers from the Associated Press and NBC, are mapping out a new strategy that will reveal Barack Obama's elitist world view in a palatable way.
"In the past, the problem has always been that we dressed Ivy League candidates in ridiculous plaid shirts and posed them in front of tanks and big shooting-thingys. Now we've learned to go with the flow and not just acknowledge the elephant in the room, but celebrate the elephant...dance with the elephant...get our "elephant" on!"
New ads for the Obama campaign show a laughing Obama, clad in a smoking jacket and sitting behind a mahogany desk. The narrator speaks, "Community Organizer, my ass! Those common people are lucky Barack even cast a shadow on their little toothless, cross-eyed faces. Don't let the rightwing extremist trolls fool you, Barack Obama IS better than you. Now deal with it!" The scene cuts to a picture of John McCain trying to eat soup with his feet.
The McCain campaign retaliated by nominating a Co-Vice Presidential pick who, while being nominated for a Nobel Prize, was also on the cover of Playboy. McCain denied pandering to the male funeral home director vote and said it was merely his maverick style of proving to his wife that he could still "chat up the hotties."
When asked about the Obama ad, McCain became defensive. "The funeral home directors have always taken an interest in my campaign," he said. "They even send me invitations to stay with them when I'm in town...and everybody knows I can't untie my shoes, let alone eat soup with my toes!"