In yet another sign of the end times, the Devil has raised gas prices to over $6 a gallon - just in time for the summer travel season. Speaking through his intermediary, Exxon/Mobile, the prince of darkness said, "Go on - drive like there's no tomorrow. And while you're at it, how'd you like a third SUV with 0% financing?"
Lawmakers who had been pressuring the White House to tap the nation's strategic oil reserves now admit it's too late. "We're toast," said Barbara Boxer (D-California) on CNN's Late Edition.
But not everyone agrees. "Satan may have us in a death grip," said Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia) at a fundraiser on Saturday, "but that only strengthens our resolve against evil. Every sign of an energy crisis is really just more evidence that we're headed in the right direction."
Follow us on Twitter