Chicago/Sun Times - Responding to constituents' cries for cash to get through the week, the Presidential Candidate pledged relief by announcing a new chain of pawn shops will open in Major cities in the US backed by a coalition of Democratic Mayors.
Financially funded by an emergency HUD grant, the state of the art Pawn Shops will buy and refurbish 40,000 square foot abandoned former Wal Mart and Home Depot stores that were unwisely opened during the height of Corporate Greed, inadvertently, in many cases, right next to each other when CFOs of the companies forgot they had already opened one there earlier.
The facades of the stores are detailed to duplicate The White House down to the finest architectural detail and include the inscription "Only in America" , a phrase popularized by that great American, Don King.
A financial spokesman said they expect to open many more Pawnoramas in Home Depot stores shortly, as more taxpayers lose their "Homes', and the concept of " home "ownership became an "alien" concept.
The Coalition Affirming Scams for Hakim, (CASH), is named for Obama's half brother living somewhere in a hut in Africa on $1 month. Spokesman said that CASH wouldn't necessary bailout Obama's brother, but that the incorporation laws in that country were more favorable for a Nigerian type scam operation, and that the candidate at least wanted his brother to know "he lived in his heart."
Due to the continued financial crisis in the US, pawn shops in the country have been deluged with family heirlooms, stolen goods and personal mementoes, just so people can buy gas to get to work for the week, thereby assuring a financial success for the new venture.
In addition the shops will be selling Secretary Paulson's $1,000 scratch off lottery tickets," U-Collect", with payoffs in foreclosed houses to further aid the economic bailout.
As a further aid to down and out urban dwellers, voter registration cards will be given to each Pawnee in addition to $5 in cash. According to a party spokesman, the $5 fee was recently established by a candidate for Mayor in Atlantic Beach, SC, as a cost for a "Yes" vote in the dysfunctional, now bankrupt ,city of 400 souls detailed in one of many Spoof's award winning articles.
With the cost of gas sky high and gang members pawning their weapons, Obama said that CASH was providing a Public Service, noting that drive by shootings were on the decline since hoods were leaving their cars parked, and no longer had as many guns.
Billed as "family friendly", the new stores feature 24 hour DJ's, live Rap Performances, and Rum Punch. Like Wal Mart, RV customers out of gas are invited to camp in their parking lot overnight, and up to 6 months, rent free.
Curb side Car Hop service is available for anything from prescription drugs (Doctor on site) to Jamaican Beer and Bookies willing to take a bet on just about anything.
Full size posters of a smiling Barack Obama offering cash are featured at every register in the stores under the headline.....'BROTHER, YOUR CHANGE IS COMIN'!!