Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: America, New York

Saturday, 29 May 2004

NEW YORK, N.Y. -- Hawaii's Kaanapali Beach was just voted this year's "America's Best Beach" by a coastal scientist who praised its white coral sand, clear emerald-green waters and starfish population. The three-mile plot of sand is on the dry and sunny side of Maui, where people hate to rhyme the name of the place with "Wowee."

The scientist, Pete Weatherspotter, has visited beaches across the country, mostly ones by the two oceans on either side of the country, and ranked them on criteria that includes sand and water quality, water temperature, absence of litter and presence of babes.

Kaanapali is one of four Hawaiian beaches to make Weatherspotter's top ten, which was reduced to the top nine when Weatherspotter became tired of looking for a tenth beach to add to the list.

"I ranked Florida's Fort DeSoto Park number two," Weatherspotter told me just after a rectal exam. "I love beaches named after old cars, you see. And, plenty of babes there, for sure."

His third choice was North Carolina's Ocracoke Island. "I never understood why the Carolinas had to become two states, did you?" he asked me as he ordered a small coffee with one sugar from a machine nearby.

Then, back to Hawaii for his fourth choice, Hanalei Bay. "Hawaii is just one big beach when you come down to it," Weatherspotter said as he refolded a big paper map without a flaw.

Then, back to Florida, where he said, "Caladesi Island State Park is so fulla babes you have to bring a few changes of suits, if you catch my drift. Seriously, the sand is smooth and you can just lay there for hours upon hours and watch flesh."

And what do you know? A New York beach came in sixth. "New York's Main Beach in East Hampton isn't all that nice," Weatherspotter said as he donned scuba diving gear, "but you don't put one from New York on the list and you get nasty letters. Happened last year."

Back to Hawaii for number seven and eight. "Makalawena Beach and Hanauma Bay are picture perfect," he said, spitting into the wind to see which way it was going. "and each of them is memorable for how it attracts colorful umbrellas that babes sit beneath."

The final beach on his top ten, number nine, is Florida's Cape Florida State Park. "I never once saw anyone throw up there, which is a fine quality for a beach."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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