Written by Steve Shaw
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Topics: Death, Earth

Friday, 28 May 2004

Seattle, WA-Starbucks Coffee Inc announced Wednesday that its supreme plan for world domination will be placed into effect a month early as their Death Star orbiting seven hundred miles off Earth has been completed ahead of schedule.

Utilizing a power point presentation complete with sound effects during the press release, a Starbucks executive outlined the company's plan for world takeover, revealing that the plethora of coffee shops around the world are nothing more than monitoring stations which, in about a month, people will begin reporting to daily for their shot of espresso and mandatory scone or muffin.

Some reacted with joy at hearing the announcement. "Well, I pretty much spend my entire day here at Starbucks anyway, and now I won't even have to pay for it," said Matt Hoffman, a twenty-two year old socialite who stands to inherit thirty five million dollars from his father's lucrative business empire. "I really don't understand why some people are against this. I mean, my friends and I spend all out time here philosophizing about any trivial issue of the day and buying five dollar lattes. If I didn't have Starbucks, I don't know what I'd do with myself!"

Others are not so enthusiastic about the fact that their lives will soon revolve around twenty-three delicious types of coffee, including the coveted select reserve roast. "For one, I don't really like coffee that much," said an angry Tom Benson, a systems analyst from California. "Two, the one time my wife talked me into going, it was way overpriced. Four dollars for a cup of freaking coffee! Can you believe that? And if I had known that my money was going towards the completion of some death star, I certainly wouldn't have bought it."

Still others would like to know why the government never stepped in to halt or even question the death star's construction. "We were told it was there to provide Seattle fresh coffee every morning to astronauts and cosmonauts aboard the international space station," said Andy Ferguson, a chief scientist at NASA as he tried to calm a flock of hysterical reporters.

"Haven't you ever seen ‘Star Wars?'" one asked.

"Sorry, I don't watch reality TV," said an indignant Ferguson.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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