Written by Charlie Van Horn
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Friday, 28 May 2004

(DAYTON, Ohio)--Officials in Dayton are speculating as to the reasons why presumed Democrat presidential hopeful John Kerry allegedly stole Timmie Smith's ice cream cone.

According to Smiths mother, Nancy, the lad had just purchased the cone at the "Moo Shack" on Vista Drive. She didn't realize that the cone was missing until she saw John Kerry parading it around and playing, in her words, 'keep away'.

According to the police report, the candidate would hold the cone just above the child's reach and make him jump for it. At one point, witnesses say, Teresa Heinz Kerry took the cone and said "Look at me, I'm the big fugly statue of F###ing liberty....ha ha" while taunting the poor child.

"Really sick if you ask me", says Frank Smiths, the boys father, "I'd like to give that son of a bitch a what-for if you know what I mean"

The police became involved that evening at supper when the eight year old confided in his mother that during the traumatic 'keep away' session, the Senator touched his 'Pee-Pee place"

A spokesman for Senator Kerry could not be reached for comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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