Written by Ian Wolff
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Topics: God, Carpets

Thursday, 6 December 2001

image for TheLordGodCarpets.com

"I know, I know," said God to Moses over the telephone. "But I had to add Carpets because someone already had TheLordGod.com."

"Didn't they give you any other options?" asked Moses.

"Yes," replied God. "GaylordPerry.com, LordOfTheFlies.com, LordTheDoG.com, and GoodLordDude!.com."

"I see," replied Moses. "Well, at least you're online now."

"That's what I'm calling you about," said God. "I've been online for over an hour and no one has signed my guest book. Do you think they're afraid of me?"

"Perhaps," said Moses. "But my guess would be that they don't actually see you yet."

"You must be a novice!" laughed God. "It says right here in my book, 'Congratulations! You have just created your very own web site and will now be seen by millions of viewers worldwide!"'

Moses quickly cupped the mouthpiece and stifled a laugh. He took several deep breaths and steeled himself before returning to the conversation. "Did they give you a counter?" he asked.

"Yes," said God.

"What does it read?"

"Two million!" boasted God.

"I see," mumbled Moses, while his mind struggled for the right words for which to avoid the wrath of God. "Actually," he stammered. "They don't really register in the millions, my Lord."

"Hundreds of thousands?" queried God.

"Not exactly," said Moses.

"Thousands," whimpered God.

"Nope," whispered Moses.

"Mo, are you telling me th-"

"Yes," interrupted Moses. "Two means exactly that, my Lord. Two."

"You mean I've been visited by a measly two people!" bellowed The Lord God, causing a loud clap of thunder to momentarily fill their phone line with static. "Is that what you're telling me?"

Moses sighed deeply, fearing that his next words might very well bring about a virtual cataclysm of Earth shattering disasters. But he could not lie, he reasoned -- to The Lord God -- no matter what the cost.

"How many times have you clicked on your new URL address?" he asked.

"I don't know," said God. "Once or twice, I guess."

"I'd guess twice," said Moses.

After what seemed an interminable lull in the conversation, during which Moses heard a virtual cacophony of crashing sounds accompanied by several highly non-biblical verbal passages in the background, The Lord God finally returned to the telephone and with rasped voice asked, "Fine then, how do I get visitors?"

"Search engines," replied Moses. "You have to submit to them."

"I submit to no one!" boomed the voice of God, causing Moses to drop the receiver to the ground as he clasped his ears in agony.

"Are you there?" asked God.

"Mo?"

Moses crawled to the receiver and having dabbed the blood from his left earlobe replied, "Yes, I'm here. I didn't mean submit in that manner, My Lord. Let's just call
it adding, for now, shall we? You add your URL to the search engines by typing it-"

"Oh that!" interjected God. "I already tried that, it didn't work."

"Why not?" Moses asked.

"I kept having problems with their category question. They kept rejecting Supreme Being as a non-category and when I typed in my site description as The Savior Of Souls, they tried listing me under James Brown in entertainment slash music."

"Did you try religion?"

"Yes," sighed God. "But their free meta-tag evaluation kept insisting that God was an inadequate title and that my keywords of He, The One, The All Powerful and The All of Everything were too vague and would likely cause the spiders to skip over me. I knew I shouldn't have made those crawly little pests."

"Well actually," said Moses.

"Oh never mind. Listen, give me your URL address and I'll do all the sub- I mean adding, for you. Sound good?"

"Can you get me listed high on Yahoo?" asked God.

"I'm afraid that neither one of us have that kind of power," replied Moses. "But I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, you might want to surf around, find sites similar to your own and ask if they'd mind exchanging links with you. That's one way of getting some
traffic."

"I tried that too," said God. "But they never reply to my emails."

"What did you tell them?" asked Moses, half fearing yet somehow knowing what the answer would be.

"The truth," replied God.

"I see," said Moses. "Try again, only this time, instead of telling them that you're God, simply tell them that you have a way cool religious site."

"I can't do that now," said God."

"Why not?" Moses pressed."I sent them all to Hell."

Moses quickly made a mental note to give God a huge front-page link on his web site just as soon as once humanly possible.

"I wouldn't make a habit of that," he offered. "It'll eventually put a serious crimp in the number of listings on your Visit My Friends page."

"Hey!" shouted God. "Someone just signed my guest book!"

"That was me," confessed Moses. "I did it while we were talking."

"You didn't say much about my site," said God. "But I notice that you left a link to yours and even gave a detailed description of it."

Moses swallowed hard.

"Welcome to the Internet, Big Boy!" he blurted, before dropping the receiver to the ground and dashing beneath his bed for cover.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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