Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush was asked how he was able to persuade Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki to withdraw his previous endorsement of a timetable for withdrawal of American troops. The President was blunt.
"She's my bitch. That's how. Look, these are some type of subhuman species. They're not fully developed human beings like you or I. They need to be told what to do every minute of the day otherwise they start thinking for themselves and and of course, disaster ensues."
President Bush was asked whether Iraq was indeed a sovereign nation or merely a puppet regime designed to do Washington's bidding.
"No. Iraq is a nation. They've had elections. Okay? Now, it's kind of like a Boy Scout troop. You let the scouts have their say, give their input, but at the end of the day it's the scoutmaster who has the final say."
One reporter said the statement sounded paternalistic.
"What?" asked Bush. "Patterns? You think it has something to do with patterns? Like a quilt?"
Bush ended his press conference with a note of confidence for Maliki.
"He's a good man. I've looked in his eyes and seen a wise and good man. A wise and good man without a spine, a frightened man, which is the best kind of wise and good man."