Written by Jeff Tamarkin
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Topics: intelligence

Friday, 21 May 2004

Supreme intelligence and amazing revelations never cease. FBI and Homeland Insecurity Directors Bob Mullethead and Tom the Bomb Rigid made the following announcement today:

"The Terrorism Alert Level has been raised to Deep Magenta, which is just a tad lower than Bright Red, yet a bit higher than Vagina Pink. There are indications that we have suicide bombers in our midst, quite possibly Ayrabs---or Ayhab wannabes---wearing heavy oversized clothing in 80 to 95 degree heat. If these suspicious types, male or female, appear to be faking pregnancy---by stuffing their black floppy trench coats with fluffy pillows, plastic explosives, nails and bolts, salami and ham, the Koran, or whatever---please call local law enforcement authorities immediately, or dial 1-800-FBI-CIA-DUH. And always remember, go about your business and daily routines as usual, without worrying about anything. We have nothing to fear but fear, absurd gas prices, our President and His Administration, and the occasional mass murderer who may or may not be suicidal."

Other details from today's warning include:

"Blacks and Hispanics wearing extremely baggy clothing during a heat wave in our most lovely inner cities should not be viewed as more threatening than usual, unless they are speaking Arabic and/or carrying a detonator."

"Any briefcase or piece of luggage labelled 'Dirty Fecal Bomb' should be avoided."

"Do not open any package with the words 'Ricin: Eat Me.'''

"If someone with a gas mask offers you free cocaine, be aware that you could wind up snorting anthrax and never eat at the Y or McDonald's again."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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