Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Food, FDA, Tomato

Friday, 18 July 2008

image for FDA says: "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" to cease hostilities for now as Sub-Commander George Clooney signs Armistice
Peace accord finally reached -- It's okay, give them a squeeze.

Hollywood, California - The "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" seems to be over for now, says the FDA as they have successfully reached an armistice with their leader sub-commander, George Clooney.

The signing ceremony took place in at a Subway restaurant on Sunset blvd. in Hollywood, California. Jared, the spokesman for Subway who is famous for his claim to have lost weight by eating a strict diet of Subway sandwiches was present as well and signed the document as a sworn witness to the ceremony.

"We hope that this armistice will hold," said Jared looking thinner than before as he held up the signed treaty while posing for pictures. "And that all tomatoes both domestic and foreign everywhere from Florida to Mexico have learned their lesson and will not take up armed revolutionary resistance against us ever again."

Jared then took questions from the press pool, denying rumors that his weight loss was a result of the first salmonella outbreak years ago and that is what had caused his weight loss and not Subway sandwiches.

"That's simply is not true. It's all conjecture," said Jared who suddenly fainted and had to be carried outside where he was revived and later seen eating a hamburger from a franchise competitor and overheard saying: "Finally, real food."

George Clooney, actor turned militant sub-commander of the attacking killer tomatoes, took on the cause of the migrant farm raised tomatoes, many of them grownup in Mexico in hash conditions, toiling away under the hot sun for months and given just enough water to grow but not enough to reach full maturity.

"That's because later they are picked while still green, shipped in filthy boxes and crated off to America. As U.S. Agricultural inspectors stationed on the boarder look away, turning a blind eye to the plight of the undocumented tomatoes," said Juan Marquez, activist for the rights of undocumented migrant tomatoes. "Once in America they are shipped to grocery stores and fast-food chains where their ruthless exploitation comes to a merciless end, slathered on contaminated cutting kitchen boards in households and cockroach infested restaurants alike."

However, not before they ritualistically tortured by women consistently squeezing them to check on their freshness, says Marquez.

"Tomatoes are native to American and yet they are treated like invaders," said Marquez.

Meanwhile back at the Subway restaurant press conference, sub-commander, George Clooney, who sat quietly in a corner throughout the ceremony wearing his old Batman custom, suddenly spoke out.

"The 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes' has stopped for now. That is true," said George Clooney in an eloquent but forceful and convincing manner despite being a mature man dressed in a Batman costume. "But they will be back one day if you ever take them for granted or mistreat them or continue to hire an insufficient number of food inspectors again. That, I promise you."

George Clooney then ineloquently fumbled with his Batman utility belt for what seemed like minutes as dry coughs came from the press poll. Finally, he pulled out some unknown small spherical shaped object and throwing to the ground disappeared into a blue ball of smoke.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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