Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Topics: Gay, Marriage, polygamy, Ikea

Friday, 20 June 2008

image for Polygamist to replace same-sex couples in Ikea's next TV and print media ads
Ads are not a moral compass. So, why then do we allow them to have so much sway over us?

Madison Avenue, New York - Fearing that due to the recent California court ruling, making same-sex marriages legal, that its ads featuring a homosexual couple purchasing furniture at their stores has lost its cutting edge, the furniture store with the cool exotic sounding name, Ikea has since pulled the same-sex ads and replaced with a more controversial one, one featuring a polygamist. Hoping to do with polygamy what they did with homosexuality, gain market share among a traditionally outcast group of society.

In that controversial TV ad, an old Partridge Family style decommissioned school buss, (only monotone gay) pulls up in the Ikea parking lot. As a polygamist with a dozen compound wives and fifty or so children pour out all donning the same drab clothing from a century before last, they grab a plethora of colorful blue shopping carts and head for the store's entrance.

Some go into culture shock, immediately speaking in tongues while others fall to the ground with seizers in response to the doors opening automatically. However, for the most part the majority passes through unscathed by the experience, all their first up close contact with the out world.

"We spared no expense to make the ad tasteful," said a spokesman for Ikea. "Careful not to offend either breeder nor bent couple."

Back to the TV commercial, inside the Ikea store, one of the polygamist children trips, falling to the ground and scraping his knee cries out, "Mommy!"

All the straight, same-sex and polygamist wives in the store simultaneously stop what they are doing and turn in the direction of the unknown injured child's cry, wondering if it is theirs. Not having a clue, they squint and strain their eyes as they involuntarily move forward in the direction of the child for a better look.

Just then, a female Ikea associate enters the scene tending to the small child's scrapped knee and releasing the awkward tension of having to determine who are the child's parents. Everyone in the store smiles and sighs before continuing to shop.

"It sends a universal message that we are all members of one giant polygamist family," said the Ikea spokesman.

According to U.S. census data, polygamists are more prosperous than homosexuals and have more disposable income to spend as many are churches and therefore granted tax-exempt status from the IRS.

However, Ikea's new marketing ad campaign catering to polygamists has come under fire by conservative groups and surprisingly newlywed same-sex couples as well. Both saying that polygamy has no place in modern society, it erodes traditional family values and is an abomination against God.

"Yeah, yeah, we hard it all before," said a spokesman for Ikea. "However, like with our ads featuring same-sex couples, we feel it will be just a matter of time before society accepts polygamist, taking their proper place right alongside the more traditional straight and homosexual couples."

Ikea argues, as society sorts out what is and what is not immoral this week or next week, or who can and cannot get legally married, it is losing out on making a buck.

"Look, whatever your position on polygamist marriages, we don't care," said a spokesman for Ikea. "We are not swayed by the complexity of your moral arguments claiming polygamist marriages are wrong because it's an ancient Biblical practice that's no longer observed, or that they are not recognized by the state as legal. Our ads are intended to persuade viewers that we are hip and happening, not a moral compass."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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