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Monday, 16 June 2008

image for Dick Durbin Inks Two Book Deal to Re-Wright Devine Comedy

When Rep. Dick Durbin was asked about Maureen Dowd's article in the New York Times concerning the Republican's targeting Michelle Obama:

"It's good news for Obama that Hillary's out of the race. But it's also bad news. Now Republicans can turn their full attention to demonizing Michelle Obama. Mrs. Obama is the new, unwilling contestant in Round Two of the sulfurous national game of 'Kill the witch."

He warned, with prophetic authority, that Republicans who dare to disparage Michelle Obama, even with the truth, would not only burn in everlasting hell, but would supersede all known sins and atrocities, and the hottest ring in hell would be reserved for them. His exact quote, "The hottest ring in hell is reserved for those in politics who attack their opponents' families."

Senator Dick Durbin (D-Ill), or as he is affectionately known in the Middle East -- Dick Turbin, has inked a two book deal with Random House Publishing to re-write and update parts of Dante's Devine Comedy and parts of the Book of Revelation, with progressive dogma.

Dieter Johnson, editor for Random House, stated, "When I heard Dick Durbin's statement about the "hottest rings in hell, I knew we had our 10th Circle that has eluded mankind for 700 years. This will finally complete Dante's Devine Comedy. The book really needed to be updated to include a very hot place for conservatives. I know Mephistopheles would approve. And since Sen. Durbin, and his compadres in the Congress seem to posses a super natural knowledge of the workings of hell, we chose to take advantage of it and are going to have him update the Book of Revelations and add a Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse that represents the terror of conservatism and the end of times due to global warming."

When asked for a comment about his book deal, Durbin stated, "It was quite simple, really. I can't take all the credit, as it came to me in a vision from a tentative inclination of a non-preferential, gender neutral, higher power. You have your Circle One - Those in limbo, Circle Two - The lustful, Circle Three - The gluttonous, Circle Four - The hoarders, Circle Five - The wrathful, Circle Six - The Heretics, Circle Seven - The Violent, Circle Eight - The Fraudulent, Circle Nine - Traitors, and now to complete it, we have Circle Ten - Conservatives who attack Democrats. Here is a sample of the verse:"

When the Mighty Obama returned, which loosed itself before the evil of these Republicans, that had all confounded the progressives with war, morals, and tax cuts, new torments and new tormented progressives I see around me wherever I move, and howsoever I turn, and wherever I gaze.

I am in the tenth circle, that of the taxes eternal, accursed, empty, and broke. Its rule and quality are always changing. Section 8, Peter's money, and socialized medicine rain down through the tenebrous air; the earth that receives them thanks the Mighty Obama. Big Government, a beast cruel and monstrous, with three throats barks doglike above the people that are here braying like asses. He has vermilion eyes, and a greasy and black beard, and a big belly, and hands armed with amendments: he tears the Republicans, flays them, and rends their salaries. The Mighty Obama makes them howl like dogs; of one of their sides they make a screen for the other; the profane wretches often turn themselves.

When asked to comment on Durbin's defense of his wife by prophesying and bringing The Divine Comedy in line with a progressive view, Obama stated, "I don't understand all the laborious thinking and writing he wants to do, why doesn't he just change a few words here and there and put him name on it. As you know, that is why my speeches are so great."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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