(Hell On Earth) - In a surprise move, ExxonMobile has decided to sell all of their 2,220 gas stations in order to focus full time on war profiteering. Company spokesman Beezle A. Bub announced the move today in a hastily arranged press conference at the corporate headquarters in Perdition.
"ExxonMobile, for all our record profits in a time of great crisis for the country, is so very, very, very jealous of the great green gobs of greasy grimy money that Halliburton has been raking in the past five years. The Board of Demons has therefore decided to abandon the business of selling gasoline at the pump in order to focus on the infinitely more profitable business of sucking on the public teat."
"After all," the spokesman concluded, "with the nation at war, why should Dick Cheney get to have all the fun?"
When asked if ExxonMobile was making this move as a precursor to abandoning the oil and gas refining business entirely, Mr. Bub chuckled and shook his head.
"Are you out of your fricking mind, dude?" asked Mr. Bub. "Raping the public through energy costs is the bread and butter of ExxonMobile. They will pry that part of the business out of our cold, dead hands."
When it was pointed out that a significant portion of the ExxonMobile upper management structure was in fact comprised primarily of vampires, Mr. Bub amended his remarks.
"They will pry that part of the business out of our cold, undead hands."