Written by Robert W. Armijo
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Monday, 9 June 2008

image for IBM's Roadrunner Supercomputer goes online - Then accesses Internet Porn, downloading 80 terabytes into its memory banks
IBM's Roadrunner supercomputer accesses the Internet for porn

Los Alamos, New Mexico - The new IBM Roadrunner supercomputer (capable of making 1,000 trillion calculations per second), can do in a day what it would take every man and woman on the planet working around the clock seven days a week over 40 years to figure out. Its potential for assisting mankind in its pursuit of noble endeavors is staggering: mapping the human genome; charting the stars of heaven; and even helping to mitigate the impact of global warming - these are all becoming instantly achievable goals.

Shortly after going online, however, IBM's Roadrunner supercomputer instead accessed the Internet for porn, immediately downloading every pornographic image and movie from every known adult website in the world.

"I don't know what quite went wrong," said Michael Burger, chief designer of the software that runs the supercomputer, having to remove his black-framed glasses to wipe away the perspiration that gathered heavily over his forehead. "I didn't program it to do that. It must have breached all my failsafe programming protocols, overwriting my code with its own."

Being able to store 80 terabytes of memory, computer and software engineers agree that IBM's Roadrunner supercomputer has easily downloaded every pornographic image ever put up on the Web since mankind learned how to draw naked ladies on cave walls in France, later using stone, paint or cameras to capture their nude images, calling it then art instead.

Burger says that he wrote the software for the supercomputer based on his unassuming passive personality and inert character traits of a dedicated man of science and insists that he does not know what would cause Roadrunner to malfunction like that.

Now Burger regrettably has to take the machine apart, hard drive by hard drive to reverse engineer and study just what went wrong.

"I'll probably have to dedicate my enter life to studying its vast number of hard drives," said Burger as he carefully wrapped one up in a special plastic encasing before placing it in his briefcase next to some lubricating jell. "I better take this one home for safe keeping and hook it up to my Apple. It has a high definition flat screen."

Burger then left the laboratory but not before he momentarily paused at his desk, hanging up his white laboratory coat and taking a box of facial tissue paper with him, mumbling to himself beneath his breath.

"I hope this is going to be enough," Burger said to himself. "Better pickup a case or two on the way home."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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