WASHINGTON (Gelt Gazette) - U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing announced today a startling change in the evolution of the not-so-almighty dollar: it's gonna get downsized.
The rising cost of materials, including specialized fabric paper, unique inks and high-tech engravings, coupled with crippling budget cuts, have forced the nation's money maker to start making more with less. Commencing in 2009, all paper currency issued will be reduced in size by 50%. Federal experts estimate that this measure will not only decrease the cost to make a buck, but at the same time stem the effects of inflation.
And, while they're at it, to appease the blind whiners out there who say they can't tell one bill from another, the cash crafters crow that the new bills will sport little Braille bumps which enable the sightless to discern the denomination of the bills. This feature will serve another useful purpose: it will add yet another obstacle for counterfeiters to overcome in fabricating fake funds.
The smaller bills will cause a ripple throughout the vending machine and automatic banking industry. Major refitting efforts will have to be mounted prior to the delivery of the downsized dollars. Once the new process is complete, as far as the government is concerned, five will get you ten.
Wallet manufacturers are already seeing dollar signs, as they do not plan to charge less for the smaller size of the leather or synthetic billfolds that will house the mini-money. This has the commercial world, hoping not to get short-changed in the endeavor, is doing some thinking of its own. The diminished dollar may soon correspond to a shrinking economy literally. The generally accepted size structure-what we have come to expect in the designations of small, medium and large-may magically metamorphose into vastly varied versions, to say the least.
What can the average American expect? Well, it soon won't be as easy as it is now to stretch your budget bucks. The new crop of cash will still end up where the most of our money has been going since Henry Ford opened shop: lining the pockets of OPEC. Only difference is that they'll have more room for even more of our diminutive dollars.