Written by John Breneman
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Topics: Don Imus, Hell

Thursday, 13 May 2004

image for Kerry and Imus in 2004?

Seeking to balance the 2004 Democratic ticket with someone who isn't boring as hell, John Kerry today named radio/television personality Don Imus his vice presidential running mate.

That's right. John and Don. The K-Man and the I-Man.

The two men "joked" about such a pairing this week on Imus' nationally syndicated broadcast. But the Spoof has learned they later cemented the deal when Kerry agreed to have his wife donate $20 million dollars to the Imus Ranch for children with cancer.

Kerry is thought to have selected Imus partly because he does not have a strange growth on his lip, but also because his voice goes out to some 15 million listeners each day. Asked what state Imus might help the Democrats carry, a campaign spokesman said, "The state of confusion. More people than ever are living in that state nowadays."

Imus, whose status as the first major media figure to endorse Kerry has not stopped him from hammering him on his shortcomings, is expected to pitch in by ordering political talk show hosts like Tim Russert and Chris Matthews to "go easy" on Kerry.

Political insiders say Kerry, who has developed a reputation for waffling on just about any issue, has made an interesting choice in Imus, an outspoken critic and supporter of Bush and Kerry. In fact, Kerry's penchant for waffling and Imus's well-known braggadocio prompted one Washington wag to dub them "The Eggo and The Ego."

President Bush, who claims he never listens to the radio but instead has trusted advisers give him a 6th-grade-level summary of what was said, had no comment on Imus other than to call him "Kerry's new butt-boy."

Political analysts say the development could spell trouble for Bush, whose cowboy hat, and thus his brain, is much smaller than Imus's.

The Humor Gazette today became the first major media organization to endorse the Kerry-Imus ticket, saying the pair is uniquely qualified to help rid Washington of "weasels and morons," Kerry by orating them into unconsciousness and Imus by berating them to "shut up."

The Bush campaign denounced the endorsement as a shameless ploy to get Imus to plug the Humor Gazette on the air and responded by intensifying its smear campaign against the influential satire publication, which has broken several stories critical of the administration. Among them: the president's malignant fib-nose, his evasion of Boy Scout Duty and his ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb.

Analysts say Imus can help Kerry in several other key areas.

Health:
Imus runs a non-profit organization that fights cancer. Bush embraces environmental policies that cause it. (He also thinks a carcinogen is a gin cocktail popularized by Johnny Carson.)

Endorsements:
Media analysts believe Imus may be able to help Kerry land key endorsements from "Town & Country" and "Architectural Digest."

Religion:
Bush, who claims to have regular Oval Office pow-wows with a political operative he refers to as "the Lord," would seem to have a leg up on Kerry, a pro-choice Catholic who never knows when some headline-seeking clergyman will deny him a communion biscuit. But Imus helps balance things out, having revealed in his 1981 best-seller that he is, in fact, "God's Other Son."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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