The Republican National Committee today released the official schedule and agenda for the first day of the 2004 Convention to be held in New York City on August 30th.
6:00PM - Flag waving ceremony - singing of "God Bless the USA". Ann Coulter leads Color Guard in revealing Sequined Red White and Blue Body suit - still gets no date offers.
6:30PM - Special presentation "Drums of War" performed by the touring company of Tigris and Euphrates Riverdance.
6:40PM - Rush Limbaugh re-enters Rehab.
7:00PM - Tribute to Texas - "All Hat and No Cattle"
7:10PM - Distribution of Halliburton Dividend checks.
7:20PM - Rush Limbaugh unilaterally decides to invade First Aid Station.
7:25 PM - Tribute to NASCAR
7:45PM - Making War Make Money - Moderated by Dick Cheney
8:00PM - George Bush reads what someone else wrote for him. Seems to agree with it.
8:25PM - Rush Limbaugh crushes and snorts 14 Doan's Back Pills.
8:30PM - Using terrorism as an excuse to Invade Workshop.
9:00PM - Ceremonial Outing of 12 closeted Gay delegates - followed by tarring and feathering. Refreshments will be served.
9:30PM - Intermission - Refreshments provided by Coors. Jenna Bush leads the "Team Chug" NO PRETZELS!
10:00PM - Wrapping oneself in the flag ceremony.
10:15pm - Re-enactment of George Bush's Fake National Guard Service.
10:30PM - Cameo by Ronald Reagan "Blubbullah bloobah squishersduh Mommy?"
10:40PM - Rush Limbaugh begs an Iraq War vet in a wheelchair for some of his Painkillers.
10:50PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Profit over People.
11:00PM - Ann Coulter Still not engaged.
11:15PM - Moving jobs offshore for slave wages workshop.
11:20PM - George Bush checks watch realizes he is up past his bedtime. Naps. Snores.
11:30PM - Hillary Clinton Effigy Burning.
11:59PM - Bill O'Reilly presents the head of Osama bin Laden on a stick. - Oops! Sorry it's actually a wax replica - Retraction ordered to be aired once at 4:52AM
12:00 Midnight: Rush Limbaugh invades Ann Coulter.