PROVO, UTAH - A filthy rich couple here showed their love for those in need after donating an old can of pickled beets to the local "Feed the Needy" food drive.
Ray and Marlene Thomas, both lawyers, insisted that cameras be rolling while they dropped the single can of food into a cardboard box at the local library.
"My husband and I have always been giving people," said Mrs. Thomas. "Why, just five years ago we gave a homeless bum guy a nickel. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have used the term 'homeless bum guy.' That was rude of me. I should have said, 'lazily challenged dirty person'."
Mrs. Thomas stated they had plenty, so why not give a little back. "We have lots of weird canned foods that we don't want. Some of them without labels. So I said to my husband: Ray, why don't we give back to those in need? Do you not feel the thrust in your heart to fill the wanting holes of those less fortunate? And Ray said, 'Yes, my sweet, I do. Go get a can out of the pantry. Not my caviar, though. That's mine.'"
Mr. Thomas was just as excited. "I would like to announce today," he said, to a throng of cameras and witnesses, without whom giving would not be as fulfilling, "that my wife and I have decided to give back to our community with this - this can of . . . um . . . what the hell is this? The label's gone. Honey, what did you say this was again? Oh, yeah. Beets! This can of pickled beets!"
The homeless family who received the beets was extremely thankful.
"Uh, gee," said Gary Winters, 37 and father of four, "I don't know what to say. This can of beets was an answer to our prayers. We simply prayed for plain beets - but pickled? Why God just went clean out of his goddamn way, didn't he? Now my family can feast upon this wonderful bounty of pickled goddamn beets. We're going to be goddamned stuffed after this, you betcha'."
The Thomas family plan on giving more to the needy in the future. "I can't wait until the next food drive," said Mrs. Thomas. "I have some stale liver-flavored Ramen Noodles I need to get rid of. And I think there might be some spam in there somewhere. Gosh this feels good!"